Opportunities to Raise Awareness - DVAM

This has been an amazing first half of October - Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Though it has been a few weeks of constant performances, speaking engagements and opportunities to meet new and interesting people who share a common passion - ending domestic abuse, I have enjoyed every busy minute.
On October 6, John and I presented Control.Assault.Delete at Mesa Community College to a room of about 50-75 students/faculty members. The response was very rewarding and one young lady in particular stands out in my mind, when she cried on my shoulder, saying, "I was your daughter for 4 years." - meaning that she lived Lisa's life for a time, but she got out and now is moving forward to a good life. So many young men and women in the audience came forward to thank us and asked if they could give me a hug.
On October 12, Vickie Florschuetz, Bravery Project, and I spoke to a group of faculty from MCC Red Mountain Campus. Vickie spoke about the importance of raising awareness and the statistics that were reflective of DV on college campuses. I told Lisa's Story and many were moved to tears as I told of her journey through a 9-yr relationship.
We traveled to Yuma to AZ Western College for a performance of Control.Assault.Delete on October 16 in the AZW Theater. Our thanks to Racine Amos for making that possible.
October 18, John and I were at Ft. McDowell for C.A.D, sponsored by the City Prosecutor's Office, and we were met with a warm reception as we told our story through theater.
Lisa's Birthday, October 19 was celebrated at Azusa Pacific University in California. I spoke to 50+ young women that evening. The hugs and tears were freely shared and it was a truly rewarding experience. The Clothesline Project had been in progress for the preceding week and someone had made a T-shirt for Lisa - very sweet gesture and much appreciated.
As an added treat, my ASU Intern from last year, Whitney, drove from LA where she lives now to Azusa to spend the evening with me and the girls from APU. It was wonderful to see her and catch up on her life.
On October 21, we presented C.A.D at the Boy's and Girls Club facility in Apache Junction. This event was put together by Apache Junction Police Chief, Jerald Monahans. Our special thanks to Constance, who was attentive to all our needs. One young woman told me afterwards that she never really understood what she was putting her parents through when she was in a dangerous relationship until that evening.
Now we are looking forward to presenting Domestic Violence, The Musical? in Hobbs, NM on October 29, as a fundraising effort for Sheri's Memorial Fund. Jan Lobeck, Founder, has been working tirelessly with her volunteers and supporters to bring DVTM to the Hobbs community. We can hardly wait to be there.
So, as you can see, DVAM has been a busy time for Fix the Hurt. We love what we are doing and hope that in some small way we can make an impact to save lives and families. Until next month, be safe.

A Father's Reaction

A question that is always asked a parent is, “How do you handle losing a child?” The answer is always, “What choice do you have?” The answer sounds trite, but the truth is, “What choice do you have?” Of course there are different ways to react.

I recall when my oldest son was in a car wreck and I saw him in the hospital in Phoenix, comatose and connected to all kinds of wires and tubes. I must tell you I felt a little confused, a little angry and a lot lost. But you see he was in a one car accident and there was no one to blame. I finally came to peace with the ordeal and was able to let him go when he was called home at the end of 16 months.

Almost 15 years later, I received a call telling me that my second child, a beautiful girl of 33 had been murdered execution style. I always felt she was murdered by her boyfriend and was anxious to find out. We never did and so I had to work through that one, too.

You can imagine my feelings when our daughter, Lisa, fell into an abusive relationship with a sociopath, shortly after completing her schooling at college. We would talk to her by the hours and she would agree with everything we said, then go right back to him. As I saw the bruises, broken fingers and hurt in her eyes, I finally found someone to blame. At the peak of my frustration I recall the words of a good friend, saying to me, “John we can hire someone to break his legs.” I must confess instead of telling him, "NO!", I told him, “Let me think about it for while”. I puzzled over it for about two weeks and during that time I think I decided to ask if he was serious and tell him yes, about 6 or 8 times, but would always pick up the phone, then put the phone down and not give the order. Finally, I decided that was not the thing to do. I may have wished a little he would take it on himself to do it, but he didn’t.

I have since learned that it would have been the worst thing I could have done to my relationship with my daughter. I am sure she would have hated me for it.

You may have seen the movie, “The Bucket List”, with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, Nicholson is telling Freeman why he and his daughter have not spoken for years. He says, “The first time her husband hit her she came to me and I wanted to bash his brains in, she wouldn’t let me, said it was her fault, she provoked the fight, he had been drinking. The second time he hit her she didn’t come to me, my ex-wife told me. I called a guy that called a guy that takes care of these things. I don’t know what he did to the guy, he didn’t kill him, but my daughter never heard from him again, but she said I was dead to her and called me a lot of bad names you wouldn’t believe.”

And so you see, we old gruff guys often think of diabolical punishments for the abusers, too.

I remember my wife sitting on the sofa and telling me some of the low class, sinful and unspeakable things Lisa told her the jerk would make her do that just broke my heart. She was a tender little thing when she met him just out of school and learned the ways of the world from an evil man that was supposed to love her and cherish her.

I have grown a lot and understand a lot better what I wish I had known years back. I hope I would have listened a lot more to these special kids that I love so much. I should have been less prone to act, and a lot more prone to listen, encourage, love, and tell them how special they are.

We recently hired a very talented writer to write a musical and we are producing the play, called Domestic Violence the Musical? In the musical ,a song is entitled, “Listen, Listen, Listen.” Such sound advice to parents that have kids involved in violent relationships! But also very sound advice for friends who have friends in violent relationships. The Musical is playing at the Herberger in Phoenix on September 22, 2008.

But, I digress, or maybe not. How do fathers handle the loss of children? With a lot of faith that there is a higher power looking over all and by going out and working to do all we can do to try and keep other parents from experiencing the same heartbreak.

John King

Portrait Courtesy of The Bravery Project and Vickie Florschetz