Drifted Off to Sleep

Since I took a full time job again, I have had little time to really work much with Linda. What spare time I have had, has been spent writing a new play. We are calling it, “Drifted off to Sleep.” It is Lisa’s story with all of the heartache, disappointments and plain talk. We have been so blessed to be able to work with David Barker. He is our coach, friend, director and provides us with sage advice as we work through the story to be told. David is Theater Professor at the Herberger College of Theater at ASU and has been a fabulous resource to us in the writing and preparing of the story.

If you ever have an opportunity to see his one man play, entitled “Dodging Bullets”, DO NOT MISS THE CHANCE TO SEE IT. Linda went to see it and drug me back a week later. I didn’t want to go! I have never been so riveted to any show, as I was that one. What a story and what a performance!

With “Drifted Off to Sleep”, all parts will be played by Linda and me and we are excited to have the opportunity to tell the story. Hopefully, we can help others understand and be aware of the dangers of Domestic Violence. We want to make people aware of how to help victims of Domestic Violence get to safety..

More to come as we progress!

Linda and I were able to do a presentation at the Yuma Arizona Prison on Thursday. We always come away from those presentations feeling that we have really made a difference in individual's lives. They are always saddened by Lisa’s story and angered by the circumstances. In this session, one inmate was persistent in pursuing the question, “How can you really help the victim?”. Linda explained that, "There are men and women abusers, and for this example we are talking about Lisa, so we would be saying 'she'." With answers from the other inmates we fleshed out the reasons she doesn’t leave.
1) She doesn’t know how to get out
2) She is afraid
3) She doesn’t have the resources to get out.
4) She loves the abuser.

Then we explained how people could help her plan for getting out, by putting money aside for that purpose and giving it to a friend to hold. Make arrangements to have a place to stay for a short while. Have clothes stashed away from the house, so when she wanted to get out she had the resources.

We explained that by planning, getting a team together and having the resources the victim gains the courage to actually get out.

We could see the light come on and understand how all of the victim's resistance would dissolve with proper planning. It was fun to see them, one by one say, "Oh yeah she has her own plan and can go when the time is right.”

We hope to continue to have these experiences at the prisons.

John says: In the words of George Carlin “ Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath."

DV Means Different Things to Different People

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Domestic violence means different things to different people. The most common vision that comes to mind is a man beating his female partner. Often that is exactly what happens. But there are times when a woman is abusing her male partner. Some dismiss this as being insignificant but I submit that abuse in any form is painful. One victim told me, “Sometimes his words hurt more than his fist.” I suspect this is the case with a man who is abused by his female partner. I would not attempt to evaluate the level of pain experienced by another, but I am sure whether male or female, whether physical of emotional, it is intense.

However, for the purpose of this discussion, I would like to focus on levelness of the field of combat when a couple gets physical with each other. In the sporting world there are rules and guidelines that keep the combat equal. With boxing, wrestling, and other areas of combat there are weight classes that try and make the size factor of the combatants of the competition equal. Even when two guys come together with those differences, they are both trying to win!

But look at a 225-pound man and a 110-pound woman that may become combative. Given the tools she has at hand, the field is probably not going to be level. So what does she do to level the playing field, assuming he is the aggressive one? Under the law, she has some heavy restrictions. Typically the rule is: If he has a gun, she can have a gun, if he has a club, she can have a club, if he has a fist, she can have a fist. I have seen men and their partners fight and typically when a woman is aggressive and hits the man without a weapon, he just laughs about it. That is the thing we guys do, isn’t it? But if she levels the playing field by using a weapon, and he has none, she can be arrested! And remember this, he may be trying to control her life by beating her into submission, but she may very well be trying to stay alive! So, I submit that the best thing a partner can do when things get violent is simply not be there!

The most reasonable action to take when living in a violent relationship is to: 1) Get out safely; 2) Get your partner to agree to counseling; 3) Stay out until counseling starts to work; 4) If it does not work, stay out and stay safe, because to return may very well mean you go to jail or worse go to a grave!

In the our play, “Domestic Violence the Musical?” the victim performs a song with a blues melody, she sings “I’m a dead woman walking, I’m a human punching bag!” and a little later she sings, “ The only way out is in a body bag.”

Some women really are in situations this serious and it is our goal to bring their plight to the attention of the community that can come together and provide a way out for her and many others like her.