Abusers come in every color, size, occupation . . .

I thought my heart would break as I listened while my friend told me of the pain she has endured over the past several years, as she has been victimized by her husband, as he ridiculed her, demeaned her, insulted her, called her fat, undesirable and totally revolting.

This woman is a stay-at-home mother of three beautiful children, she supports them and has supported her husband as his career has continued to rise. She has made a beautiful home for their family. She is such a talented decorator and can truly make a wonderland out of the back yard. I have seen her, walk, join fitness clubs, exercise and work to make herself into "his" desired weight for her.

BTW, she is beautiful, not fat and certainly undeserving of his insults.

What breaks my heart is that even after he has moved out, left her in financial ruin, she still worries about how she looks and how much she weighs and how he sees her. Nothing will ever be good enough for this man as far as she is concerned, because it's not about her. It's about him, everything is about him -- his wants, his needs, his life.

The interesting thing about this whole situation is that this man was very helpful to our family when Lisa died. He was concerned about the safety of our family. He assisted us in getting Lisa's dog away from her abuser after Lisa died. He was even present when Lisa's abuser was arrested.

But . . . . I'm sure it has never occurred to him that he is just as emotionally and verbally abusive to his lovely wife as Lisa's abuser was to her.

Wake up. Whether you are a loser, an educator, a car salesman, or in law enforcement, you can be an abuser. Just because you see yourself as superior, does not mean you are and, does not give you the right to use your power and control over you family.

I love you CJ, as do many other, and I will be here for you. Love Linda

Treasures in the Closet

Well, it seems our life is now measured in the number of blogs. If that were true you might not see a lot more of them.

It has been an interesting week, as we weave our way through the maze of trying to raise funds to get the play into all the areas that need to hear the message of "Domestic Violence The Musical?". We seem to spend a lot more time seeking money to take the show out than we do helping people. Guess that is the way it works, until we make a name for ourselves.

We did take a little time out this week to organize the garage and our closets. We were elated that we found a box in the garage that had matured up to 7 years and we could discard the “stuff” in it. John brought it in and I went through it to capture and shred the important stuff. I found a file that held some letters and cards Lisa sent to John and me. They spanned about 6 years and were before the abusive period and after she got out (we thought). Thought you would find it interesting to see a couple of attitude indicators. I hope this gives you a sense of what it means to a victim that we continue to love them and never give up on them-

In Lisa’s words from her letter below. Before the “madness”,

Oct. 1992 – Dear Mommy ,“Hey there how are ya? I’m doing good! Made cookies and took to the guys next door. Mike was the only one home. The one I think is so nice. I really took them to him so I could see him! Up until I leave to come home I will be so stressed. I’ll need your prayers! Mon. the 9th I have to do my presentation on effective prayer---!”

No letters or very much meaningful communication during this time, termed by Lisa “during the madness”.

After the “madness”

12/15/ 97. "Dad , I hope now that I have my head on straight, that we can pick up where we left off and begin to build our relationship again – promise, I won’t leave ya again. I love you!" Lisa

John’s comment was, “she did but, it was not her fault”.

2/14/98 - "To Mom and Dad, I want to thank both of you for all the help and support you have given me through all this madness and for never giving up. I love you, Lisa."

5/30/98 - "Dear Mommy, Its about 9:30 pm, Saturday night and you just left. You're probably wondering why I am writing you, when I could just tell you how I feel. I just want you to have a reminder and always remember and know how much I love you. I don’t even know where to begin to express my love for you . . . . . I appreciate all that you do for me and I'm truly sorry for everything I have put you through. Love, Lisa"

The reason I wanted you to see this is so you (the reader) would know that if you are suffering from this situation with a loved one, you need to understand they know you love them, they just cannot do much about it at the time, but hopefully, one day your love and assurance and patience will pay big benefits.

Yes, Lisa lost her life, but she had a couple of good strong years when she knew life was worth living. She just made the mistake of letting him back in. Linda

Some advice from John - If you find yourself in a hole, stop diggin’.