September - A Month of Remembering

It seems as though September is a month of remembance.  Of course, we all remember 9/11/2001 as the day that America changed.  Families lost friends and loved ones.  It became more difficult to get on an airplane.  Our country's sensitivity heightened about where we were and who was around us.  It was the beginning of two wars where thousands of our young men and women died, many more were wounded physically or emotionally or both.

 And on that first day of September, I lost a daughter, not to an act of terror against America, but to an act of terror in her own home.  Yes, 10 years have passed.  There have been weddings, divorces, a baby born, holidays, birthdays in our family, and about 12,000 deaths in this country due to domestic violence.
As we approach the end of September, we are getting ready for a very busy time at Fix the Hurt, a time for educating and raising awareness through trainings, speaking engagements and five performances of "Domestic Violence, The Musical?" and five performances of CONTROL.ASSAULT.DELETE. 

We are grateful for the opportunity to address over 4,000 students in the East Valley of Arizona, the KAW Nation in Oklahoma and in Hobbs, NM.  We must continue to educate our young people about healthy relationships and the red flags they must watch for as they begin to select their friends and development boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.

We hope that you with familiarize yourselves with our upcoming event dates and if you or someone you know are near one of the presentations we have scheduled, that you will join us and promote awareness against domestic and dating violence.

Written by Steve Culp for FTH

I met Steve during a blogathon sponsored by Joanna Doane - who was an intern for FTH last year and just an awesome young woman whose heart is 6 ft tall, eventhough her body is about 4'9". She blogged for 24 hours, raising much needed funds for Fix the Hurt, and I joined in for several and met some amazing ppl. Steve is one of them. He called to interview me for a paper he was writing for college credit. This is it. I think he did a great job.
Fix the Hurt by Steve Culp
A growing problem in the United States is domestic violence. Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern or behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Many people are victims of domestic violence and many people are unaware. Who are the victims of domestic violence? “Domestic abuse victims are doctors and lawyers and movie actors. They may be beautiful and have wonderful educations. They have only a few things in common - their fear and shame and their futile hope for change. You know them. They are your neighbors. They are the people you see on your walk. They may be you. They may be your child.”
Linda King and her husband John are a married couple who are very aware of domestic violence and the most horrible outcome domestic violence can have. Linda King lost her daughter Lisa to domestic violence. “She died from blunt force trauma to the head - six blows and cocaine intoxication by ingestion - administered orally,” Linda states, as her fingers press down the buttons on her keyboard as she is typing.
“Sam was the only one in the apartment with her.” Sam was Lisa's husband, whom she had been divorced from for 3 years. “She died sometime around midnight and he didn't report it until 2:00 pm the next day.” What kind of judgment was served for a crime like this? “He was charged with murder, but convicted of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and got 10 yrs. He gets out in November this year. He served all 10 yrs, no parole. He is in the Texas prison system.” Did Linda feel that the ten year sentence was an adequate judgment? “I was disappointed in the sentence, but it is what it is and I would rather be Lisa's mother than his. I fear he will do it again.” she says “This was not his first offense. He had an agg [aggravated] assault in FL [Florida] several yrs ago. He spent two years in prison. Lisa thought she could "save him" and she went down a bad path with him.” says Linda, now explaining that she is typing quickly and there may be a chance for grammatical errors.
This situation must be hard for anyone, especially parents who are already involved in trying to help spread the word of domestic violence. “After Lisa's death I knew how she would want her hair and make-up so I dressed her body for her funeral. I tried to cover the bruises on her eye and cheek along with the bruise and cut on her lip. I dressed her so that the long sleeves on her dress would cover up the bruises on her arms. Some say purple is the color of healing, but to me it is the color of pain. I tell everyone I speak to that if they are the victim of a hit or feel that they want to hit, purple is the color they will see. The internal bruises/emotional, bruise the heart and soul and often are harder to heal than the bruises on the outside.” These are some very strong words from such a strong woman.
What steps did Linda take to spread the word of domestic violence? “I started speaking mainly to high school groups in 1999, even before Lisa died, because I thought she was out of the relationship and in a good place. She and I both volunteered at a dv [domestic violence] shelter in El Paso.” And after the death of Lisa, Linda took even more steps “We moved to AZ in 2005 and I decided that in order to break into the dv community here that I should form a non-profit. I went back to El Paso and did the interview of the DA, police chief, officer and advocate to try to give myself some credibility for my work in AZ. “
The non-profit Linda speaks about is called “Fix the Hurt” which is a non-profit organization that helps inform others about domestic violence , the outcome, and also offers several types of help to victims of domestic violence. The corporation and the people who run it, along with the volunteers, run different types of fund-raising events to help them spread the word. They even go to schools and prisons to speak and do different performances to help spread the word.. “Our play, CONTROL.ASSAULT.DELETE, is a two person play (John & I), we play the roles of ourselves, Lisa and her abuser, the bailiff and judge. We don't hold anything back, Lisa's drug use, the fact that she slept with a drug dealer for Sam to get his drugs. But we don't want what we do to be a memorial to Lisa, it is about every Lisa, Julie, Mary and Joe.” The performances also include “DV the Musical?” and “I Have This Friend”. The performances are very strong and not easily forgotten, as explained by Linda. ”My little non profit is small, but we try to make a difference. Our productions are really good and we have never failed to have a standing ovation. The message is strong and it is not something that is forgotten soon.”
“Fix the Hurt” has performed for over 20,000 people worldwide and have raised $15,000+ for victim services. Their website http://www.helpfixthehurt.org/ has listed many sources of information on domestic violence, victims, family, who can be a victim of domestic violence and offers a place and people for victims of domestic violence to turn to.
Domestic violence effects many people in many ways, be it the victim themselves or their families. Linda King was a victim herself, in her first marriage that had lasted nine years. “My first husband was abusive emotionally, but I never knew what it was. We were married for 9 years. We married very young.” Linda offers words of encouragement to victims of domestic violence. “You are a good person and deserve to be treated with respect. I will be here to listen and have information for you when you are ready. I won't judge you and I will believe you. I won't push you, but I will help you.” She even offers advice for people trying to help a person who is in a domestic violence relationship. “If you talk about their abuser, they will defend him. You have to keep the focus on them and what their dreams are and how to achieve those dreams. Can they achieve what they want if they stay where they are?” Those are very strong words of encouragement and advice from a very courageous woman.
There is much hope and passion in what Linda does, and there are many people who need to be informed of “Fix the Hurt” and their cause. “Fix the Hurts” website, its five directors and its list of volunteers, all help make it possible to help spread the word of domestic violence, what the outcome can be, how to deal with domestic violence, and how to spot a person who may be a victim of domestic violence. The people of “Fix the Hurt” are all very passionate about spreading the word and finding a stop to domestic violence. They are the heart and souls of “Fix the Hurt” and they are the courage, support, and strength for the victims of domestic violence.

The Holidays and Domestic Violence

Stress runs high during the holidays, from October through January.

Family finances are stretched to purchase gifts and travel expenses to visit family.

Excessive alcohol is consumed during the holidays, which although it does not cause abuse, it is a contributing factor to the abuse.

Abusers take advantage of the holidays to exercise additional controls over visits to family members, finances and unrealistic expectations are placed on their victims.

As arguments occur, attempt to maintain a calm demeanor, especially until you can get to a safe place. Abusers frequently use the excuse that, "the holidays just got to me" or "I was just stressed over the holidays". Victims are trying to maintain a calm front for their family and friends, and therefore, do not call the police eventhough they are in danger. Abusers know this and take advantage of their victims. If you find yourself in an an abusive situation, no matter the season, get help.

"That is what I wanted to hear!"

A friend told me a story a few weeks ago about a relative of his who was a religious leader in a position to counsel members of his congregation. Unfortunately, the story rings so true as it relates to most violent relationships.

A man of the cloth was talking to a relative about domestic violence. He asked what to do when a women comes to you beaten and battered? How do you counsel her?

The reverend replies, "Well, I have three choices."

The friend says, "three choices, how can that be for a man of the cloth?"

The reverend says, "Well I can tell her a lie, I can tell her the truth, or I can tell her what she wants to hear."

The friend shakes his head in confusion.

The referend says, "Okay I will explain. A woman comes to me beaten and bruised and says, 'My husband gets drunk and beats me, what shall I do?'"

I tell her, "When he goes to sleep tonight get a kitchen knife and run it into his heart." Now that is the lie, although in some cases it might be the truly!"

A few weeks later, she comes to me again bruised and battered and says, "He got drunk and beat me again, what shall I do?"


I tell her, "Leave him, get away and make yourself safe." Now that is the truth!


A few more weeks go by and she comes back battered even worse and tells me, "He got drunk and beat me again, what shall I do?"


I tell her, "He is really a good man, just love him and be a better wife and stay with him!"


She says, "Reverend, that is what I wanted to hear."

Of course, this confirms what we already knew and what keeps the victim going back to a bad relationship. They don't know how to leave.


Eventhough it is discouraging as we work with family and friends in bad relationships, we must realize that we cannot make the decisions for the victim. We have no right to control that person. That is what the abuser is trying to do. We must keep trying to encourage and assist those loved ones in a way that lets them know that they will always have someone to turn to and that we won't be judgmental!


John says,


Did you ever notice that the Roman numeral for 40 is XL?

Control.Assault.Delete

FIx the Hurt is pleased to announce a new and powerful play entitled, "Control.Assault.Delete", a dating and domestic violence primer.

The goal of this two person play is to:

1. Point out common mistakes made by parents and friends in their frustrated attempts to help the victim escape the abuse;

2. Bring to light common tactics used by abusers to trap victims into a rigidly controlled relationship, and

3. Point out to abusers the pain and misery they bring to the lives of others through their actions.

The play is written by John and Linda King and directed by the very talented, David Barker, the author of "Dodging Bullets", a professor of theater at Arizona State University, with years of theatrical experience. David brings an exciting and innovative approach to the presentation.

The Kings walk you through the frustrations of the parents of a victim, the ilemma of the victim, as well as the vicious actions of her abuser in this presentation. The common thread throughout the saga is the difficulty in helpig the victim escape and making the abuser accept responsibility for his actions. You will see and you will hear excerpts from real life tragedies presented by two very dedicated parents, directed by a very talented professional.

Because one in about three women are involved in a violent relationship and one in four teens experience dating violence, we at Fix the Hurt are committed to helping end domestic and dating violence. Statistics show that teen dating violence flows over into domestic violence.

Control.Assault.Delete takes you through the life of the parents of a young women who fell into a violent dating situation, and over the next 9 years went from trying to make it out to TRYING TO GET OUT ALIVE.

John and Linda want to be sure that no parents ever have to experience the heartbreak of losing a child to violence. You are invited to be entertained and enlightened during the presentation and hope all will stay after the show and participate in the open forum roundtable.

Contact Linda to reserve a date for this show for your area as a training and/or fundraising event.

Teen Dating Violence

I have had an amazing two weeks, first with the White Tiger Girls Conferences in Phoenix, Mesa and Tucson and then, Stop Violence Against Women Day at the Capitol and ending with the opportunity to present Lisa's Story to 5 classes of teens at La Joya High School in Tolleson.

More and more it becomes aware that teens want to talk about the experiences they are having personally and what they see going on around them with their friends and family members. We must reach them at the pre-high school and high school level so that they have the tools they need not only during their dating years, but in making good sound relationship decisions as they mature. It is obvious that many do not have positive role models at home and they obviously are not going to get correct information through the media and their music.

We continue to press forward with "Control.Assault.Delete", anticipating a finished product by first of April. Rehearsals begin today for the cast of "Domestic Violence, The Musical?" and will be exciting to see what the new actors and director bring to an already "great" show.

New Beginnings

What is going on in the King household this week? Well, Lindsey and Linda spent the night in midnight madness Black Friday, shopping. Not me! I was sleeping!

Linda and I are in the middle of rehearsal for what, I guess, will be called, "Control-Assault-Delete". This is a 55-minute, two person show that tells Lisa's story of the nine year walk through a violent relationship. Linda and I take the parts of various people and it is really testing our memorizing skills.

The director, David Barker, is a great guy, who is a Professor of Theatre at ASU. He has his own one-man show, entitled, "Dodging Bullets". This is a story of his sister's walk through and out of a violent relationship. The Dodging Bullets title is exactly what happened at one point, except the sister didn't dodge as well as David. "Dodging Bullets" will be performed at ASU on January 14. I think there are a few tickets left.

In any event we are excited about this one, and hope it is as well received as "Domestic Violence, The Musical?"

We are involved in trying to get the next play in the typewriter at this time. It will be called, "I Have This Friend." It is dealing with teen dating violence and will be designed for high school students.

So you see, Linda is as busy as usual while John loafs around.

We will keep you posted as we move forward.

John says, "Some people try to turn back their odometers, not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I have traveled a long way and some of the roads were not paved."

My Children - the Cheerleaders

This time of the year always brings back to my mind the reality of Lisa's death. It was exactly 8 years ago today - August 23, 2001, that I last saw Lisa. We went to a mother-daughter evening at church. I can even remember what she was wearing, a red shirt and jeans. I spoke to her after that night, but that is the last time I hugged her while she was living and breathing. Lori's last conversation with her by phone was on Lori's birthday, August 22, when Lisa called to tell her "happy birthday". Lori said that while she was talking to Lisa that Sam pulled the cord out of the wall and broke the connection.

We began rehearsals for our new two-person play and feel we made some progress. I have read thru it several times and sat with John as he wrote and re-wrote, but when we did a read-thru, it was difficult to hold back the tears.

We are toying with some different titles for this play. Our first title, "Drifted Off to Sleep" was deemed to be "too passive" and I tend to agree. It sounds like a bedtime story and it is anything but that. Other suggestions have been, "Control, Alt, Delete" which I believe is very clever but sounds like a show about a computer geek. We know that "CONTROL" is the center of abuse, so that will be our focus as we decide on a title. Maybe, "Control, Abuse, Delete". Labels, titles, names are so important. Will keep you posted.

My Cheerleaders

Lori called last night to tell me about her experience with a young man in her neighborhood who is mentally challenged, he is known by everyone as Pancake, and is about 17 years old. According to her, "his parents just left him here in a home for mentally handicapped people and they never come to see him". Her concern about him and his feelings were sincere and touching. She downloaded some music on his MP3 player and when she took it to him, all the residents were gathered around and he announced, "you know who this is (speaking of Lori), she's a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader". Well, he is not far off, she truly is a cheerleader for the downtrodden and those that appear to be tossed aside. My other children are very compassionate as well. Lindsey and Lane will always stop to assist someone who needs their help. Lane was always bring someone home when he was a teenager, someone that had no place to live and needed a bed for a few days, weeks. Last Christmas, Lindsey was deeply concerned about a family that she feared would not have presents and went shopping for food and toys for that little family. She stepped up when her neighbor was being abused by her husband and she found the right person to help her and went with her to talk to an advocate. Lisa was sensitive to the needs of anyone that crossed her path, once I remember she was walking home from work and came across a man that was homeless. He fell and she got medical assistance for him and stayed with him until the ambulance took him away. My children may not be Cowboy cheerleaders, but they are certainly cheerleaders for those in need. I am their cheerleader.

Old Friends, New Friends, Red Friends, Blue Friends

The past few weeks have brought bookings, travel and reconnecting with old friends. We now have 13 performances of "Domestic Violence, The Musical?" between Sept 16 through Nov 9, in locations from Wichita Falls, TX to Iwakuni, Japan. We are auditioning a Phoenix cast this week.

Equally exciting was my recent trip to Tyler, TX and Brownsville, TX. While in Tyler, some friends from about 25 years ago traveled to Tyler to renew and catch up. It was wonderful. My friends, Gayle, Diane, my Aunt Beulah, and Sharon traveled from Texarkana, Longview and Denton so that we could spend some time together. Gayle, Diane and Sharon and I were all three mothers to two girls. Carrie, Amy, Paige, Jennifer, Sonya and Shelly played with my Lori and Lisa. They were constant companions and playmates. While we reminised about our little girls, it was bittersweet, as I shared my feelings about Lisa's death.

I participated in two Defense Initiated Victim Outreach seminars, one in Tyler and one in Brownsville, with new friends - Pam, Marilyn, Stephanie, John and Dick. The DIVO program is in motion and in my opinion it won't slow down. It is truly a win-win for homicide survivor families and the court system as a whole. There were interesting discussions and limitless possibilities.

Fix the Hurt is anxious to work with all groups that support and enlist help for victims.

Bravery Project and Fix the Hurt are working together to bring an Evening of Arts to the East Valley, at Broadway Palm Dinner Theater on November 9. You will be hearing much more about this as time draws nigh.

Right now we are in the fundraising mode. It is a difficult time for all non-profits. But there are some generous individuals out there. John is writing grants, I am making phone calls and sending emails.

I will try to be more diligent in my blogging. Home for a while - no travel plans.

DIVO and More . . . .

Sunday afternoon I flew to El Paso to participate in a seminar on Monday. My good friend, Susan Hatch, picked me up at the hotel and we went to the El Paso Crime Victims' Memorial. It is an extremely well thought out, beautifully constructed memorial to victims of crime in El Paso County. These people really care . . . my heart was touched as I saw my daughter's name listed among others who represent thousands of friends and loved ones who have suffered the unexpected loss of those they care about. It doesn't go away -- the pain, I mean. Please don't use the word "closure" with me. Life goes on, you continue to get up every morning, you laugh, you make changes in your life, you help others along the way, you grow older, you love your grandchildren, you learn news skills, you forget where you are supposed to be sometimes, you have aches and pains, you get sick, you get well. But you never "close" the door on someone you loved, just because they die. Thank you, Susan, for caring enough to make sure I got to experience this moment.

Monday was remarkable, at least for me. I was given the opportunity to address a group of defense attorneys and others who attended the Defense-Initiated Victim Outreach Seminar. It was much more than I expected in many ways. Those involved in bringing this to the criminal justice system as an option for the defense side of the law, are truly an awesome group of people, Stephanie Frogge from Austin pulled everything together; Richard Burr is a soft-spoken, articulate man who truly believes in this process; John Niland, the Director of Capital Trial Project in Texas, cares about people, their feelings and the justice process; Dr. Pam Leonard has done much to further the Restorative Justice Project in Georgia (love her accent - she's more Southern than me); and Dr. Marilyn Armour is the Exec Dir of the Institute for Restorative Justice and she understands survivors and wants to make life better for all who suffer this loss - she really cares. It was a great experience for me - I stood toe-to-toe with someone I have wanted to address for some time and I held my ground . . . it was wonderful. "Mr. Gandara, if we ever meet in a social situation again, you may shake my hand, and say, 'Hello'. but never say bad things about my dead daughter to me again."

Today I met with Larry Winward, who introduced me to Michael Hughes, CEO of A New Leaf. What a great guy - very personable, well-informed about the non-profit world. He took a lot of time to advise on what steps to take and how to take Fix the Hurt to the next level of success as we strive to obtain funding, grow the organization and continue to educate, bring awareness and enlightenment to communities about domestic violence/abuse. Now to put that knowledge into action.

I also talked with some old friends (well, not really old) who still struggle with Lisa's death. They were friends and family. They agonize over what could have been done to save Lisa. I'm not sure in Lisa's case that there could have been a positive outcome. But it's good to look back and hopefully that helps us to look forward toward better lives for those that need our help.

Prevention and Education

We continue to see the effects of the stress in our society on Domestic Violence.
In the past11 days here in Maricopa County, there have been 9 deaths due to domestic violence. Of the 9 cases two were children. How sad it is that a spouse will be abused by a partner, even sadder when a spouse dies from that abuse, but when it is an innocent child, it breaks your heart and reflects how messed up people can get in a relationship.


Police: Argument sparked fatal stabbing in Glendale


Domestic-violence reports up amid recession
Lynh Bui - May. 19, 2009 04:46 PM The Arizona Republic

Just an example of the dire need for prevention of Domestic Violence! These 9 people never got the chance to take advantage of a shelter that most funding groups say is the only thing they will fund. How blessed would have been the life of those 9, if they had had a good prevention program working in their neighborhood. Someone to help them put a safety plan into action, someone to support them in their escape, someone to help them recognize the danger, and someone to bolster their courage to get to safety. All of this takes training, awareness, commitment and that plan does not happen without someone willing to commit the funds to educate the community.


Youngtown murder suspect found hanged in roadway
by Phoebe Volk - Jun. 5, 2009 02:49 PM

The Arizona Republic

But alas, all of the funds, which have been limited or cut by our state government, went to food clothing, beds and roofs that will never help these people. It makes one ask, could “funeral costs” possibly be considered services by the funding agency?



Laurie Roberts :Enduring abuse can be a fatal mistake
On April 28, a Glendale judge dismissed misdemeanor charges against Michael Brian Miller, who had been accused of hitting his wife. Thirty two days later, she was dead.

We at Fix the Hurt, will not retreat in our effort to get funding institutions to recognize that shelters are not the front line prevention. Shelters are badly needed and always will be, but they are after the fact. The abuse has already occurred!


John Says: Don’t corner something that you know is meaner than you!

On an encouraging note:

The Commanding Officer of Sheppard Air Force Base in Wichita Falls, Texas has the foresight to see the need for domestic violence education for his airmen. We received confirmation today that Sheppard AFB will sponsor "Domestic Violence, The Musical?" on October 16, 2009. I have been corresponding with Tricia Kennedy for several weeks now. She has been committed to bringing this education to the airmen, their families.


The Marine Air Station in Iwakuni Japan is working to bring DVTM to their soldiers and families in October.

AzCADV Sponsors DVTM

Fix the Hurt wants to give a big "shout out" to the Az Coalition Against Domestic Violence for sponsoring another production of "Domestic Violence, The Musical?" on May 11, 2009. The house may not have been packed with bodies, but it was packed with enthusiasm and emotion. The reaction from those in attendance was incredible. One young name became very angry with the actions of the abuser and commented to his family that, "it wasn't about his losing control, but about using control." What an astute observation!

My little 3 1/2 year old granddaughter attended because I couldn't stay home and babysit her and her parents wanted to be there, she sat very quietly in my lap next to her mommy and hardly moved. Even she was rivetted. The next day we were watching some of the video clips which included the abuser and she said to me, "I don't like him, he was mean to your friend." (referring to the victim).

You would think if a 17 year old and a 3 1/2 year old could get it, then a society of adults could understand the dynamics of domestic abuse.

I was touched by the reaction of one woman who came with her friend on a "spur of the moment" invitation. Seeing DVTM opened her eyes and some dialogue that was imperative to her courage to get out before it was too late. She commented that every time she would think about the things he had done to her, she would hear, C-O-N-T-R-O-L. Hooray for her.

On http://www.fixthehurtpag.org/, you can hear one of the songs from the play - "Abuser's Tango." There is also a link to pre-order the CD that will be available soon and will include 10 songs from DVTM.

On Wednesday night, I received a page to go to a domestic violence scene. When I arrived at 11:30 pm, I found a young woman, whose face was cut, bloody and swollen. I sat with her while she completed her statement for the police. She was trembling, disoriented and had difficulty focusing on her task. Her boyfriend had been arrested and taken to jail and she was already stressing over what would happen when he got out. I took her to the hospital emergency room in my car. (I got pulled over twice in the same 2 hrs period for traffic violations - but that is a different blog).

After spending several hours with her, I pray that she will not go back. I tried to do and say all the right things, but you never know what is going on in the mind of a victim. If she goes back this time, there may not be another opportunity to get out.

This is why it is so important to have information, listen to the victim, help them understand they are not alone. I know it is frustrating when victims make the wrong choice, but that doesn't mean we quit trying. Perhaps a life will be saved because of something you said or did right.

Happy Mother's Day!!

John writes:

Happy Mothers Day! A day that is set aside to recognize the absolute dependency of the world on mothers! And how feeble the attempt no matter how much we do. We are all brought to remember the gift of a mother to each of us and, while most are not perfect, some achieve a greater level than others. Still, nothing should diminish the fact that every mother on earth had to walk through that valley of the shadow of death to bring us into this world. I, for one, am grateful for the sacrifice that trip demanded and yet, most mothers shrug it off as an everyday occurrence. But for me I still say “Thanks, Mom, I know you can hear me!”

My thoughts are also turned to those mothers that, even on this day, are fighting to survive a violent relationship, those who are beaten regularly and those who have not survived the brutal attacks. How can society turn a loving, smiling hypocritical face to the world and say happy Mothers Day, and then go right back to doing nothing about the 25% of mothers in our society who are so severely abused?

Recently Linda has been trying to promote “Domestic Violence the Musical?” here in Phoenix. It will play Monday night at the Herberger Theater, for those who do not know. But I digress; Linda made arrangements with a local TV station to be on live to talk about the play and the impact on women and kids lives. She received a call from the station that they would not be able to keep this commitment, because it was Mothers Day Week End! You want to talk about something that makes you say, “HMMMMMM!” What better gift can be given all womanhood than a sincere effort to keep them from being abused! Oh, I know not all are beaten, but 25% of them is a lot more than a token number.

To me, this attitude just points out that most people either don’t get it or don’t believe it.
What can we do more to change this attitude? I suppose just what Fix The Hurt is doing, just keep butting the head against that wall!

So I close by saying “HAPPY MOTHERS DAY” To 75% of the mothers out there. To the other 25% I can only say that you are in our every thought, prayer, and effort!


John Says: Quoting George Carlin------- “Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.”

A Symbol for Domestic Violence

Like DV, the button has existed for centuries and was not always a useful object, often being for ornamental use and decried by many as an evil symbol of vanity by clergy and others. Even today considered so by the Amish people!

Queen Victoria had dark glass buttons made which were mourning buttons following the death of Prince Albert.

The button has been used as a badge to signify many things over the years. It has been used to signify growth as in a “knob” of a plant when the plant starts to grow. It is protection placed on the tip of a fencing foil to make the sport safe. It is also a warning device signifying danger as in the tip of a rattle snake’s tail or the “rattles”

It signifies hidden sensitivities which may cause explosive reactions to acts. For Example “She knows how to push his button!”

Also known as the sensitive area on the tip of the chin where a knock-out blow is placed. Also signifies “exactly on target.”

I would suggest that since the purple ribbon is so significant to women in calling to the mind the devastating effects of Domestic Violence that men should adopt the Purple Button as a symbol of their support in prevention of domestic violence.

There are ample reminders in this symbol reminding all of the centuries the button was around and served as a symbol of vanity as has been the history of domestic violence. It has been considered the right of the male population for centuries to the detriment of wives and daughters for centuries.

The button has already been used as a symbol of mourning by royalty and could well serve to remind us all of the lives lost and ruined by DV.

It could well serve as a reminder that there needs to be safety devices in all relationships to prevent injury during interaction with one another, and serve as a symbol of danger for not proceeding carefully into relationships lest the snake bite.

It should serve as a reminder to not push buttons and for sensitive feelings to be held back by buttoning the restraint on such sensitive feelings.

It can symbolize the growth of each party in the relationship and should serve as a reminder that a couple working together with help can be right on target for a happy safe loving relationship and deliver a knock-out blow to Domestic Violence.

John Says: "Dear God, I have a problem. Its me!"

A week of great opportunities

This week has been filled with meetings, performances, phone calls, new friends and grant proposals. We attended two great performances, one at Mesa HS - Seussical The Musical, where we briefly spoke with the Director, Sandy Stones. The other was so moving that I not only saw it last Friday evening, but took my husband and two friends this Friday evening - "Dodging Bullets", a one-man show by an outstanding performer, David Barker. I'm certain this show will spread far and wide.

Tuesday night I went to a book-signing by of Bones In the Desert by Jana Bonnersbach. This book is the true story of the murder of Loretta Bowerstock by her husband.

Wednesday night was spent at ASU campus for Take Back The Night, an annual event to bring awareness of sexual assualt and dating violence.

Soooooo, basically I spent my week the same way I spend every week, talking to people about domestic violence, trying to educate others and listening to personal stories.

My friend, Vickie Florschuetz, Bravery Project founder and talented artist, received recognition for the great work she does helping survivors and bring attention to the pandemic of domestic abuse.
Now it's the last day of April and this past week has been busy. I have had the opportunity to meet some truly incredible people. On Monday, I was priviledged to speak to Dr. Durfee's class in the Women's Studies Program at ASU. My intent was to spend about 5 minutes talking about the May 11th performance of "Domestic Violence, The Musical?" sponsored by AzCADV. The class was wonderful and very engaged, and I spent about 20 minutes with them.

I spoke to two groups of high school students at different ends of the Valley, that were attending a White Tiger Arizona Girls' Conference, brought to the Valley by Paul Henry from Canada. Paul teaches self-defense to teens who find themselves in precarious situations. He gives valuable advice to help them protect themselves from strangers and people that they may be familiar with. I told Lisa's story. The audiences were awesome and Paul brought together a great group of presenters from across the state. Good job, Paul.

Probably the most touching time I encountered this week was speaking to the prosecutors, advocates and staff for the City Of Phoenix at their annual luncheon to commemorate Crime Victim's Rights' Week. Just look at this lovely necklace which was presented to me. It was handmade by Donna Eyring, with love -

I could tell because everything was perfect, from Lisa's picture in a heart, the Fix the Hurt logo, the words LOVE, a ribbon with purple stone and a music note. Reconnecting with Rickie Allen, a great lady, and meeting those people in her office was delightful and the food was great!!

I am given so many opportunities to meet great people who believe as I do that everyone deserves to be treated with love and respect. No one deserves to be hurt, emotionally or verbally.

Last of all - get ready for "Domestic Violence, The Musical?" on May 11 at the Herberger Theater.

The Vision

Let me describe to you a scenario that is an everyday occurrence in our life. I need you to use your power to visualize the following scenes.

Picture a young woman standing with three small children hanging on to her dress and peering around her. She sees the three following settings:

Setting 1 - An angry man scowling at her with fists doubled up ready to strike her. Behind him is a dormitory type room with food and clothing. A woman’s shelter, if you will. To get there she has to take a brutal beating, but if she makes it, she has assurance she and her three children may be able to live in the cramped quarters, but safely. That assumes there is room for them. If not, she may have to return home and take another beating, or go on the streets to join the homeless ranks with her three children.
Setting 2 - An angry man with a scowling face, with fists doubled up standing by a casket accompanied by the three children, looking at their mother in the casket.
Setting 3 - A community of people, all are greeting her and the angry man. Her children are with them and they are all working together with the people from the community. The people are holding out Domestic Violence Prevention programs and welcoming them to join them, and work out the problems surrounding the little family, there are employers, clergy, law enforcement, school administrators and other members of the community.

Off to the side stands a well-dressed man with a handful of dollars and he is trying to decide if he should give the money to the shelter or the community prevention group. In the prevention program scenario, all of the families are being cared for, not just the half as in the dormitory setting and no beating is required.

Given a choice which do you think the woman would choose?

Which does the rich man choose? Every single time he chooses the shelter, leaving the woman and children to weep and suffer.

Daily large corporations are opting for Setting One and Two, and totally denying funds to option three. Just last Friday, Boeing made that exact choice. The Friday before that, Salt River Project made the same decision.

Domestic Violence prevention is just not on the list of things to donate money to. It is too hard to quantify the results. Corporations must fear there is not enough instant gratification and recognition in donating to prevention.

John says: Nothing is real to you until you experience it; until then it is just hearsay.

No Money for Prevention

After the first three or four lines you will say, "Oh no! John is on his high horse, again!" As I sit and ponder the attitudes around us I marvel that we, as a nation are not further in the tank that we are today. Now, let me preface my remarks by saying that I realize that businesses and individuals only have a finite amount of discretionary time and money. I may wish it were not so, but, that is life.

Where am I going with this? Let me tell you, it is a Fix the Hurt issue. It deals with a long time sore subject and extremely constipated thinking. If I were a follower of the tightly bound, myopic thinking I would propose to the chief of police in every jurisdiction that we pull all of the patrol officers off the street and just wait until they get a call that a crime has been committed! Then respond. Why in the world cruise around trying to prevent crime? You cannot count the number of crimes that you prevented.

I would also propose that we stop all efforts to find a preventative cure for breast cancer and the myriad of other diseases that we spend money doing research on. Just wait until they contract the disease and try and treat them. That way you can count the number that you could not save. This way you cannot quantify the numbers that do not contract the disease from your efforts.

My big fear is that the closed minded, short sighted people will someday have the brilliant idea to overhaul the school system and decide that we do not need to do anything to prevent ignorance.

Okay, okay, I am talking about large corporations that have made the decision that they are only going to fund the service portion of the domestic violence efforts. What does that mean? It means they do not care a whit about whether a victim gets beaten or not. If they go to the shelter these mind bound folks will donate to that effort, but only about enough to take care of half of the victims. The rest will be turned away because of the lack of funds to care for as many as there are. When the victim is sorrowfully turned away by the angels at the shelter, they will either return to the home where they are abused and take the beating for leaving, or they will become homeless and that is another group of angels duty to care for.

Fix the Hurt is one of the few truly Domestic Violence Prevention groups around, because there are no funds to support that effort. Recently, we requested funds from Salt River Project and were quite rudely told that they only support service related efforts. This was not a real surprise, even though disappointing, that yet another community leader was had cranial constipation. We asked if they would consider allowing one of their people to serve on the Fix the Hurt Board of Directors. The hope was that we would get some expertise on the board which would be useful and, at the same time ,they would see the impact of the prevention programs. We were told just as rudely that they only suggested their people serve on the Boards of organizations they supported financially. So we decided they had classified us pond scum and tried yet another effort. We asked if they would make a small donation to the upcoming fund raiser of the Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Again the answer was given just as rudely, “No they are an advocacy group and we do not donate to advocacy groups”. Woah!! You mean it as against corporate policy at Salt River Project to be an advocate for victims of Domestic Violence?

At this point the decision was made that this group was not for much of anything according to their spokes woman.

John says: "If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody."

Domestic Violence The Musical

Things are a little slow as far as plays are concerned. They will start to pick up next month. We will be presenting selected short scenes from "Domestic Violence the Musical?" to potential donors for a fundraiser. This well be for the benefit of the Sojourner Center. The event will take place at a sponsor’s home in Paradise Valley.
www.sojournercenter.org



Efforts continue, with our attempt to find sponsors that will provide funds to take the cast of DVTM to locations outside the El Paso and Phoenix metropolitan areas. We have made appeals to many large corporations with little success, yet. We are committed to getting the word out and will not tire in our efforts.




We are working with Vickie Florschuetz , of the Bravery Project to put together a fundraiser in November that, if successful, will provide some funds for this and other important items. If you have not visited Vickie's web site, it is well-worth your time to do so. This talented artist has taken a unique approach in the effort to circumvent domestic abuse. Thanks goes out to our friend, Jim Winspear, for his generous donation in the form of a check to Fix The Hurt. We appreciate all of you out there that have been so supportive of our efforts to prevent this pandemic. http://www.braveryproject.org/



John says: As we deal with many of those we are required to deal with in life just remember “Always drink upstream of the herd”. Note: many of the things John says are from sayings friends send him from time to time. Thanks for remembering, “John likes to say things”

Treasures in the Closet

Well, it seems our life is now measured in the number of blogs. If that were true you might not see a lot more of them.

It has been an interesting week, as we weave our way through the maze of trying to raise funds to get the play into all the areas that need to hear the message of "Domestic Violence The Musical?". We seem to spend a lot more time seeking money to take the show out than we do helping people. Guess that is the way it works, until we make a name for ourselves.

We did take a little time out this week to organize the garage and our closets. We were elated that we found a box in the garage that had matured up to 7 years and we could discard the “stuff” in it. John brought it in and I went through it to capture and shred the important stuff. I found a file that held some letters and cards Lisa sent to John and me. They spanned about 6 years and were before the abusive period and after she got out (we thought). Thought you would find it interesting to see a couple of attitude indicators. I hope this gives you a sense of what it means to a victim that we continue to love them and never give up on them-

In Lisa’s words from her letter below. Before the “madness”,

Oct. 1992 – Dear Mommy ,“Hey there how are ya? I’m doing good! Made cookies and took to the guys next door. Mike was the only one home. The one I think is so nice. I really took them to him so I could see him! Up until I leave to come home I will be so stressed. I’ll need your prayers! Mon. the 9th I have to do my presentation on effective prayer---!”

No letters or very much meaningful communication during this time, termed by Lisa “during the madness”.

After the “madness”

12/15/ 97. "Dad , I hope now that I have my head on straight, that we can pick up where we left off and begin to build our relationship again – promise, I won’t leave ya again. I love you!" Lisa

John’s comment was, “she did but, it was not her fault”.

2/14/98 - "To Mom and Dad, I want to thank both of you for all the help and support you have given me through all this madness and for never giving up. I love you, Lisa."

5/30/98 - "Dear Mommy, Its about 9:30 pm, Saturday night and you just left. You're probably wondering why I am writing you, when I could just tell you how I feel. I just want you to have a reminder and always remember and know how much I love you. I don’t even know where to begin to express my love for you . . . . . I appreciate all that you do for me and I'm truly sorry for everything I have put you through. Love, Lisa"

The reason I wanted you to see this is so you (the reader) would know that if you are suffering from this situation with a loved one, you need to understand they know you love them, they just cannot do much about it at the time, but hopefully, one day your love and assurance and patience will pay big benefits.

Yes, Lisa lost her life, but she had a couple of good strong years when she knew life was worth living. She just made the mistake of letting him back in. Linda

Some advice from John - If you find yourself in a hole, stop diggin’.

Back To the Business of Fighting Domestic Abuse

We have been a little too relaxed during the holidays, and so have not written a blog for a few times now. Sorry, but Christmas was great with the kids, but we missed Lane and Lori, who were not able to be with us during the holidays. Of course, ever present in our thoughts were the three of our children who have answered a summons to dwell on the other side of the veil. What a great thing it is to have loving children and children that we will ever love.

We have been looking at the impact of the all of the efforts in the fight against domestic violence. A review of the U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Statistics July 2008, report while showing some progress in areas, is still a little discouraging when you look at the 30-year period from 1976 to 2005. The number of men murdered by intimates has declined since 1976 from 9.2% of the total male homicides to 2.5% in 2005. At the same time female homicides has shown much less significant drop in murders by intimates, falling from 34.65% of the total female homicides by intimates in 1976 to 33.3% in 2005. Not much to show for 30 years of efforts. Yes, there has been a drop in total homicides, but the ratio for female victims has not dropped significantly. The % of black females homicide victims has dropped, while the % of white females has not. We have a long way to go to win this one.

Excitement grows and cast and support group are looking to be sure passports and other documentation are being readied for the trip to Japan. Domestic Violence will debut in Iwakuni Japan on April 15th. We have cut the cast back due to travel cost and the ever-loyal cast in El Paso is searching for a way to raise the necessary funds locally to pay the cost of taking the entire cast to Japan, to play for our men and women serving our nation in that part of the world.

In the next issue----- Domestic Violence Prevention or Circumvention? Check out the definitions and give us your feedback.