NCADV Conference

Just returned from an exciting week in Anaheim, CA while attending the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Conference at the Hilton Hotel. The staff from NCADV were very helpful and friendly.

My good friend, Jan Lobeck, author of Not In Vain, from Hobbs, NM, shared her Marketplace table with Fix the Hurt. Over 100 people stopped by our table with more than a passing interest and we were able to share our message.

Jan lost her daughter, Sheri, to domestic violence about 4 yrs ago and she and her husband are raising Sheri's son. We will be presenting Domestic Violence, The Musical? to benefit Sheri's Memorial Fund and to raise awareness in Hobbs.

John was able to attend with me and this was great since we were able to present Control.Assault.Delete on Tuesday as an add-on workshop. The response was very positive and we were able to tell this passionate story and reach lives.

I attended some really great workshops and plenaries. One of the best workshops was presented by Ada Alavarez from Washington, DC. Her workshop was on Dating Violence Prevention. One of the examples she gave was the importance of preaching prevention. She asked a really hard question, "If you are on the river bank alone and someone is on the cliff above the river throwing babies into the river, do you try to save the babies or do you go up on the cliff and stop the person committing the atrocities."

Attending this conference was a great opportunity to network, find out about new and innovative programs and see the passion that so many have to end domestic violence.

A Trip to El Paso - Nice Break in the Routine

A trip to El Paso, Texas this past week was a good break from the routine. Linda and I were pleased to present Control.Assault.Delete to Leadership El Paso and to a number of other interested paties in a separate venue. Two shows in one day is a really exciting opportunity. I fear the hype of telling the domestic violence story to bring awareness to audiences could become addictive!

We were further blessed to spend time in the home of dear friends in El Paso and that enriched the experience. We continue to be amazed by the reaction of the people in this community. Unlike so many they are alive and vibrant and want to brighten their corner of the world. The reception to the message we presented was overwhelming. Tears flowed and one of the most asked questions is, "Having lost a daughter to domestic violence yourselves, why do you put yourselves through this?" The answer Linda gives is, "I don't want any other parents to have to go through the loss of a child."

We are pleased to have this new play in the Fix the Hurt repertoire and plan to build it to even greater and more powerful pieces At the time of this writing, a new play is being written and we hope to roll it out this fall. The title is "I Have This Friend", and we hope to deliver a dating violence message to teens and their parents through the high schools.

Another issue that creates a huge challenge in preventing domestic violence has recently raised its ugly head. Linda is a member of the Victim's Assistance Program for the City of Mesa, Arizona (VAP's). Recently, she was on a death call and while waiting for the medical examiner to arrive she asked the officers why they seldom called the VAP's on Domestic Violence calls. They responded, "because it is just a revolving door! We arrest one this time and the other the next and no matter who who we arrest the victim always goes back!"

She explained that the VAP's are trained to help the victim not have to go back. They agreed they had not thought of that aspect. Still, the calloused attitude remains because of the number of cases the police handle and the number of times the victim turns on the police.

We are looking for grant money to put together a play that will reach the police officers and enlighten them in the many ways DV can be stopped and prevented.

John

John says, "Don't corner something that you know is meaner than you!"

A Week of Many Emotions

Tough week for our family. September 1 was eight years since Lisa's death. Lots of sweet memories of her seemed to fill my heart and mind and that's a blessing. She was such a fun child. She was always happy, brave and poised to help her siblings. She loved to bake and was the designated family cookie/cake maker. But her life was cut short and we miss her.

There are many things to look forward to for Fix the Hurt. We have met some very well-connected and forward looking people, who will help to raise awareness and bring to light many of the misconceptions about domestic violence through their sense of our mission.

Travel reservations are confirmed and we are looking forward to the upcoming performances of "Domestic Violence, The Musical?" in several military bases/posts in the U.S. and Japan. Also looking forward to going to El Paso this month for the TVSA conference - Tortilla Soup for the Advocates Soul. September also holds the Pinal County DV Conference and Karma Cups. Speaking of Karma Cups, daughter, Lindsey, has an entry for the bra decorating contest. I think she is quite clever. Here is what she wrote to go with her entry.

"Much time and thought went into what I wanted my bra entry to represent. First and foremost, I wanted it to be a message of hope and better things to come.
Finally Free describes my sister, Lisa. Lisa’s life came to a tragic end eight years ago, but, as I said when I spoke to her abuser in the courtroom: “You took away my best friend, she was all that I had, and now she is gone. But she is better off, because you cannot hurt her any more. She is finally free.”
To all those women who are still in an abusive relationship, I say, “Free yourselves” from the chains of abuse. The purple skirt says to “gather up” your courage and strength and move forward. The bling and sequins are symbolic of a rich future in store for you as a survivor . Butterflies are beautiful and remind us of the freedom to move about, make choices and find your own place in the wide, wonderful world. Everyone loves butterflies and you are loveable and beautiful. Obviously purple is the color that symbolizes healing.
So, let us join together (back hooks) and spread the word that we are here to support and lift each other."

Lindsey King Robles

Another exciting new venture is our continuing rehearsals for the new play, "Total Control" (maybe - still toying with titles). We are enjoying working with our director, David Barker, and pleased with the progress we have made so far. Hopefully, we will be ready to offer this performance by January 2010. Also working on the teen dating musical, "I Have This Friend". Very happy to have met with Keely Bamberg, a very talented young woman who owns StrateGente. We hope to very soon be working with Keely on a strategic plan for Fix the Hurt.

Well, this is just kind of an update on what is going on with Fix the Hurt.

Thanks for Opportunities

Today it was my pleasure to address the Mesa East Rotary Club. Just the fact that they were willing to have someone speak about domestic abuse was to their credit. This group was not only engaged, but anxious to assist in a suitable way. I hope we will work with them again. So many civic organizations are truly interested in improving the lives of people in our community - Rotary is a great example.

On Wednesday, I will speak to a group of about 60 advocates at the Family Resource Center in Phoenix. I love advocates - this is a difficult job - but much appreciated by victims. I will never forget the assistance I received from a wonderful advocate who became my friend.

Then, next Monday I go to El Paso to address a group of defense attorneys at a seminar sponsored by the University of Texas - Defense Initiated Victim Outreach (DIVO). I am pleased to not only speak, but to listen to highlighted speakers who will help defense attorneys learn ways to improve their relationship with the families of victims of homicide. This is truly a new concept. I will return with a report of what I learned. My friend, Bill Hicks, the prosecutor in Lisa's trial (and I say Lisa's trial because in her case she was the one the defense had on trial ) send me an email and he said,

"I think that the seminar leaders might have bitten off more than they can chew by asking you to speak to them. I encourage you to not hold back anything. Let them know that the actions of the defense attorneys throughout our trial were hurtful; and how they persisted in dragging Lisa’s past into the trial; and how they tried to make the murder case about Lisa. . . . . ."

I will do my best, Bill.

I feel very fortunate to take Lisa's story to so many who can make a difference - business men/women, advocates, defense attorneys - all in a matter of 7 days.

AzCADV Sponsors DVTM

Fix the Hurt wants to give a big "shout out" to the Az Coalition Against Domestic Violence for sponsoring another production of "Domestic Violence, The Musical?" on May 11, 2009. The house may not have been packed with bodies, but it was packed with enthusiasm and emotion. The reaction from those in attendance was incredible. One young name became very angry with the actions of the abuser and commented to his family that, "it wasn't about his losing control, but about using control." What an astute observation!

My little 3 1/2 year old granddaughter attended because I couldn't stay home and babysit her and her parents wanted to be there, she sat very quietly in my lap next to her mommy and hardly moved. Even she was rivetted. The next day we were watching some of the video clips which included the abuser and she said to me, "I don't like him, he was mean to your friend." (referring to the victim).

You would think if a 17 year old and a 3 1/2 year old could get it, then a society of adults could understand the dynamics of domestic abuse.

I was touched by the reaction of one woman who came with her friend on a "spur of the moment" invitation. Seeing DVTM opened her eyes and some dialogue that was imperative to her courage to get out before it was too late. She commented that every time she would think about the things he had done to her, she would hear, C-O-N-T-R-O-L. Hooray for her.

On http://www.fixthehurtpag.org/, you can hear one of the songs from the play - "Abuser's Tango." There is also a link to pre-order the CD that will be available soon and will include 10 songs from DVTM.

On Wednesday night, I received a page to go to a domestic violence scene. When I arrived at 11:30 pm, I found a young woman, whose face was cut, bloody and swollen. I sat with her while she completed her statement for the police. She was trembling, disoriented and had difficulty focusing on her task. Her boyfriend had been arrested and taken to jail and she was already stressing over what would happen when he got out. I took her to the hospital emergency room in my car. (I got pulled over twice in the same 2 hrs period for traffic violations - but that is a different blog).

After spending several hours with her, I pray that she will not go back. I tried to do and say all the right things, but you never know what is going on in the mind of a victim. If she goes back this time, there may not be another opportunity to get out.

This is why it is so important to have information, listen to the victim, help them understand they are not alone. I know it is frustrating when victims make the wrong choice, but that doesn't mean we quit trying. Perhaps a life will be saved because of something you said or did right.

The Vision

Let me describe to you a scenario that is an everyday occurrence in our life. I need you to use your power to visualize the following scenes.

Picture a young woman standing with three small children hanging on to her dress and peering around her. She sees the three following settings:

Setting 1 - An angry man scowling at her with fists doubled up ready to strike her. Behind him is a dormitory type room with food and clothing. A woman’s shelter, if you will. To get there she has to take a brutal beating, but if she makes it, she has assurance she and her three children may be able to live in the cramped quarters, but safely. That assumes there is room for them. If not, she may have to return home and take another beating, or go on the streets to join the homeless ranks with her three children.
Setting 2 - An angry man with a scowling face, with fists doubled up standing by a casket accompanied by the three children, looking at their mother in the casket.
Setting 3 - A community of people, all are greeting her and the angry man. Her children are with them and they are all working together with the people from the community. The people are holding out Domestic Violence Prevention programs and welcoming them to join them, and work out the problems surrounding the little family, there are employers, clergy, law enforcement, school administrators and other members of the community.

Off to the side stands a well-dressed man with a handful of dollars and he is trying to decide if he should give the money to the shelter or the community prevention group. In the prevention program scenario, all of the families are being cared for, not just the half as in the dormitory setting and no beating is required.

Given a choice which do you think the woman would choose?

Which does the rich man choose? Every single time he chooses the shelter, leaving the woman and children to weep and suffer.

Daily large corporations are opting for Setting One and Two, and totally denying funds to option three. Just last Friday, Boeing made that exact choice. The Friday before that, Salt River Project made the same decision.

Domestic Violence prevention is just not on the list of things to donate money to. It is too hard to quantify the results. Corporations must fear there is not enough instant gratification and recognition in donating to prevention.

John says: Nothing is real to you until you experience it; until then it is just hearsay.

Back To the Business of Fighting Domestic Abuse

We have been a little too relaxed during the holidays, and so have not written a blog for a few times now. Sorry, but Christmas was great with the kids, but we missed Lane and Lori, who were not able to be with us during the holidays. Of course, ever present in our thoughts were the three of our children who have answered a summons to dwell on the other side of the veil. What a great thing it is to have loving children and children that we will ever love.

We have been looking at the impact of the all of the efforts in the fight against domestic violence. A review of the U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Statistics July 2008, report while showing some progress in areas, is still a little discouraging when you look at the 30-year period from 1976 to 2005. The number of men murdered by intimates has declined since 1976 from 9.2% of the total male homicides to 2.5% in 2005. At the same time female homicides has shown much less significant drop in murders by intimates, falling from 34.65% of the total female homicides by intimates in 1976 to 33.3% in 2005. Not much to show for 30 years of efforts. Yes, there has been a drop in total homicides, but the ratio for female victims has not dropped significantly. The % of black females homicide victims has dropped, while the % of white females has not. We have a long way to go to win this one.

Excitement grows and cast and support group are looking to be sure passports and other documentation are being readied for the trip to Japan. Domestic Violence will debut in Iwakuni Japan on April 15th. We have cut the cast back due to travel cost and the ever-loyal cast in El Paso is searching for a way to raise the necessary funds locally to pay the cost of taking the entire cast to Japan, to play for our men and women serving our nation in that part of the world.

In the next issue----- Domestic Violence Prevention or Circumvention? Check out the definitions and give us your feedback.