Cienega High School - by Julia Sullivan

       More often than not, juveniles (especially those in middle school and early high school) are considered immature and ignorant. From the perspective of a great deal of adults, children in this age group are looked on as having little to no understanding of reality and its trials, as well as have the categorization of being delinquents and troublemakers. One of the trials that these juveniles are said to have little understanding of is in the realms of romantic and sexual relationships. If anything, these relationships are seen as innocent and trivial, with the only real danger of young love being pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease. However, quite contrary to this belief, on the morning of April 25th I was made witness to the tremendous understanding, knowledge and questioning that these juveniles were capable of, as well as the true realities of their relations with the opposite sex.  

      Driving as the sun rose in the sky, Linda of Fix the Hurt invited myself and two other interns to join her on a journey to Cienega High School in Tucson, where she was to make a speech regarding the dangers of domestic violence abuse, as well as her own personal story of loss and devotion. Before arriving I, as many other individuals my age, had a preconceived notion regarding how 14 and 15 year-olds considered domestic violence. Immature, risk-tasters, unknowledgeable. However, as I seated myself in the auditorium where Linda was to carry on with her presentation, I began to scan the hundreds of faces filing into the auditorium, and became overwhelmed with a sense of familiarity. “This was me.” I thought to myself, as I watched their expressions and body movements as they began to find their seats, boys forming cliques of 7 or 8, girls pairing off into groups of 2. Although I thought myself to be an adult, sitting in a section reserved for us “grown-ups” (a section I had only looked upon as a mere student), it became clear to me at that very moment, that I was not so greatly far from these faces.

        Their mannerisms, their clothing, their conversations. Yet, it was the nature of the relationships that girls had with their boy counterparts that struck me as the most familiar. The relationship was meager, if non-existent. Boys and girls were segregated by choice, with the occasional boy in the back throwing a paper airplane or eraser at the head of the girl in front of him. Tumultuous, confusing. If anything, one of biggest predicaments any boy or girl in middle and high school will have to wrestle with is their relationship with the other sex. Society socializes each gender as if the other was a complete alien, with entirely different habits and attitudes. However, as Linda began to tell her story of the loss of her daughter as a result of domestic violence, of the tumultuous and rocky relationship a male and a female were partners in, a funny thing happened. Silence. The bantering chatter and whispering at the beginning of the presentation came to a halt as a wave of eager eyes rested on Linda as she spoke. For a single moment, regardless of gender, all eyes and minds were focused on a single idea.

        As I continued to sit in my chair and scan my eyes from face to face in the crowd, it became clear to me that my preconceived notions of these young people’s immaturity and ignorance was nonexistent. For all that we as adults don’t give them credit for, these 14 and 15 year-olds seemed to have a firm, strong and serious grasp upon an extremely dire subject matter. Even as the presentation concluded, individuals overcome with emotion with tears streaming their cheeks lined up at the end of the stage, waiting for the chance to tell their story or hug Linda. While their relationships may be rocky at best, it is also true that these very young individuals are much more intelligent and involved than any adult might give them credit for.

         

Written by Steve Culp for FTH

I met Steve during a blogathon sponsored by Joanna Doane - who was an intern for FTH last year and just an awesome young woman whose heart is 6 ft tall, eventhough her body is about 4'9". She blogged for 24 hours, raising much needed funds for Fix the Hurt, and I joined in for several and met some amazing ppl. Steve is one of them. He called to interview me for a paper he was writing for college credit. This is it. I think he did a great job.
Fix the Hurt by Steve Culp
A growing problem in the United States is domestic violence. Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern or behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Many people are victims of domestic violence and many people are unaware. Who are the victims of domestic violence? “Domestic abuse victims are doctors and lawyers and movie actors. They may be beautiful and have wonderful educations. They have only a few things in common - their fear and shame and their futile hope for change. You know them. They are your neighbors. They are the people you see on your walk. They may be you. They may be your child.”
Linda King and her husband John are a married couple who are very aware of domestic violence and the most horrible outcome domestic violence can have. Linda King lost her daughter Lisa to domestic violence. “She died from blunt force trauma to the head - six blows and cocaine intoxication by ingestion - administered orally,” Linda states, as her fingers press down the buttons on her keyboard as she is typing.
“Sam was the only one in the apartment with her.” Sam was Lisa's husband, whom she had been divorced from for 3 years. “She died sometime around midnight and he didn't report it until 2:00 pm the next day.” What kind of judgment was served for a crime like this? “He was charged with murder, but convicted of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and got 10 yrs. He gets out in November this year. He served all 10 yrs, no parole. He is in the Texas prison system.” Did Linda feel that the ten year sentence was an adequate judgment? “I was disappointed in the sentence, but it is what it is and I would rather be Lisa's mother than his. I fear he will do it again.” she says “This was not his first offense. He had an agg [aggravated] assault in FL [Florida] several yrs ago. He spent two years in prison. Lisa thought she could "save him" and she went down a bad path with him.” says Linda, now explaining that she is typing quickly and there may be a chance for grammatical errors.
This situation must be hard for anyone, especially parents who are already involved in trying to help spread the word of domestic violence. “After Lisa's death I knew how she would want her hair and make-up so I dressed her body for her funeral. I tried to cover the bruises on her eye and cheek along with the bruise and cut on her lip. I dressed her so that the long sleeves on her dress would cover up the bruises on her arms. Some say purple is the color of healing, but to me it is the color of pain. I tell everyone I speak to that if they are the victim of a hit or feel that they want to hit, purple is the color they will see. The internal bruises/emotional, bruise the heart and soul and often are harder to heal than the bruises on the outside.” These are some very strong words from such a strong woman.
What steps did Linda take to spread the word of domestic violence? “I started speaking mainly to high school groups in 1999, even before Lisa died, because I thought she was out of the relationship and in a good place. She and I both volunteered at a dv [domestic violence] shelter in El Paso.” And after the death of Lisa, Linda took even more steps “We moved to AZ in 2005 and I decided that in order to break into the dv community here that I should form a non-profit. I went back to El Paso and did the interview of the DA, police chief, officer and advocate to try to give myself some credibility for my work in AZ. “
The non-profit Linda speaks about is called “Fix the Hurt” which is a non-profit organization that helps inform others about domestic violence , the outcome, and also offers several types of help to victims of domestic violence. The corporation and the people who run it, along with the volunteers, run different types of fund-raising events to help them spread the word. They even go to schools and prisons to speak and do different performances to help spread the word.. “Our play, CONTROL.ASSAULT.DELETE, is a two person play (John & I), we play the roles of ourselves, Lisa and her abuser, the bailiff and judge. We don't hold anything back, Lisa's drug use, the fact that she slept with a drug dealer for Sam to get his drugs. But we don't want what we do to be a memorial to Lisa, it is about every Lisa, Julie, Mary and Joe.” The performances also include “DV the Musical?” and “I Have This Friend”. The performances are very strong and not easily forgotten, as explained by Linda. ”My little non profit is small, but we try to make a difference. Our productions are really good and we have never failed to have a standing ovation. The message is strong and it is not something that is forgotten soon.”
“Fix the Hurt” has performed for over 20,000 people worldwide and have raised $15,000+ for victim services. Their website http://www.helpfixthehurt.org/ has listed many sources of information on domestic violence, victims, family, who can be a victim of domestic violence and offers a place and people for victims of domestic violence to turn to.
Domestic violence effects many people in many ways, be it the victim themselves or their families. Linda King was a victim herself, in her first marriage that had lasted nine years. “My first husband was abusive emotionally, but I never knew what it was. We were married for 9 years. We married very young.” Linda offers words of encouragement to victims of domestic violence. “You are a good person and deserve to be treated with respect. I will be here to listen and have information for you when you are ready. I won't judge you and I will believe you. I won't push you, but I will help you.” She even offers advice for people trying to help a person who is in a domestic violence relationship. “If you talk about their abuser, they will defend him. You have to keep the focus on them and what their dreams are and how to achieve those dreams. Can they achieve what they want if they stay where they are?” Those are very strong words of encouragement and advice from a very courageous woman.
There is much hope and passion in what Linda does, and there are many people who need to be informed of “Fix the Hurt” and their cause. “Fix the Hurts” website, its five directors and its list of volunteers, all help make it possible to help spread the word of domestic violence, what the outcome can be, how to deal with domestic violence, and how to spot a person who may be a victim of domestic violence. The people of “Fix the Hurt” are all very passionate about spreading the word and finding a stop to domestic violence. They are the heart and souls of “Fix the Hurt” and they are the courage, support, and strength for the victims of domestic violence.

New Light Brought to Age Old Problem

The age old problem . . . . how to get people to pay attention to a problem they find appalling and believe there is no solution for.

So, it is with Dating and Domestic Violence! We tell our story, people are appalled and verbally condemn the act, and then they go home and immediately forget.

That is the reason the Fix the Hurt group turned to theater arts presentation to try and create a memory that will not be forgotten and will promote action.

For several weeks I was involved with a project to determine the value of theater arts in bringing awareness to the public, relative to these issues. A Women's Studies class scripted a dating violence scenario, entitled, "What would you to do help fix the hurt?" This skit was to be presented in three locations on ASU campus. Actors from the theater arts department on campus were invited to provide two actors to perform this skit.

Basically, the female actress was to be texting and the male actor was to come up, grab the phone and start scrolling though the messages, telling the girl he had the right to look at her text messages because he bought her the phone. He was to accuse her of flirting with some other guy on text. An argument developed and the actor was to take the actress by the arm and lead her away.

While the program prompted a reaction the group did not anticipate, and while it is not the response desired, it does make one important point!! People pay attention and react to live theatrical presentations.

As the actor grabbed the actress by the arm to lead her away, it seems one of the people watching the skit unfold, and not realizing it was a skit, rushed in and put a hammerlock on the actor and took him to the ground. Several people pulled him off the actor and explained to the "hero" that it was just a skit.

Clearly the message got out to the spectators. Fortunately, no one was hurt and the actors felt they had succeeded in realistically presenting the performance and the study group can definitely show that Theater Arts powerfully sends the message.

As a sidebar, there are several factors that come to light as a result of this experience:

1. Had the situation been a real encounter, the abuser would have been more alert to the actions of the crowd and may have not gone down to easily and people could have been hurt.

2. After the fray, the abuser would have, no doubt, blamed the victim for the actions of the hero and would have made her pay dearly for the incident.

To learn more about Fix the Hurt and its programs, go to www.HelpFixtheHurt.org.

A Breath of Fresh Air for Violent Relationship Protection

Sometimes I know we sound like a broken record. It seems especially so when we talk about raising funds for domestic violence and dating violence prevention. But there are those caring people that are willing to give just based on the belief that it is important for each of us to brighten our corner of the earth.

This is the attitude we continually find with our friends in El Paso, TX. Whether it is a donation to help defray the cost of putting a program together or taking a message to the masses, or working to be sure the message given is acted upon, there's always a group of angels standing ready to take hold of the line and pull the ox out of the mire.

We spent a few days in El Paso this week and now have the structure in place to go forward with our new play entitled, I Have This Friend, which is, of course, our dating violence awareness musical.

Hector Serrano, Drama Coordinator, with El Paso Community College has decided to make this his 2011 spring production and hopes to present it in high schools in the El Paso area.

The Center Against Family Violence plans to work with EPCC to get needed infrastructure in place in the schools to assist teen victims and their parents end this pandemic in our country's schools!

Hopefully, this will be a model for other schools in the country to follow and will save thousands of lives, prevent drug use and keep kids in school.

Thanks to all of you wonder, caring people that make this effort possible and hopefully prevent hundreds of teens escape the trap.

"That is what I wanted to hear!"

A friend told me a story a few weeks ago about a relative of his who was a religious leader in a position to counsel members of his congregation. Unfortunately, the story rings so true as it relates to most violent relationships.

A man of the cloth was talking to a relative about domestic violence. He asked what to do when a women comes to you beaten and battered? How do you counsel her?

The reverend replies, "Well, I have three choices."

The friend says, "three choices, how can that be for a man of the cloth?"

The reverend says, "Well I can tell her a lie, I can tell her the truth, or I can tell her what she wants to hear."

The friend shakes his head in confusion.

The referend says, "Okay I will explain. A woman comes to me beaten and bruised and says, 'My husband gets drunk and beats me, what shall I do?'"

I tell her, "When he goes to sleep tonight get a kitchen knife and run it into his heart." Now that is the lie, although in some cases it might be the truly!"

A few weeks later, she comes to me again bruised and battered and says, "He got drunk and beat me again, what shall I do?"


I tell her, "Leave him, get away and make yourself safe." Now that is the truth!


A few more weeks go by and she comes back battered even worse and tells me, "He got drunk and beat me again, what shall I do?"


I tell her, "He is really a good man, just love him and be a better wife and stay with him!"


She says, "Reverend, that is what I wanted to hear."

Of course, this confirms what we already knew and what keeps the victim going back to a bad relationship. They don't know how to leave.


Eventhough it is discouraging as we work with family and friends in bad relationships, we must realize that we cannot make the decisions for the victim. We have no right to control that person. That is what the abuser is trying to do. We must keep trying to encourage and assist those loved ones in a way that lets them know that they will always have someone to turn to and that we won't be judgmental!


John says,


Did you ever notice that the Roman numeral for 40 is XL?