Year's End

I was saddened at learning of what is called by the media, "Santa Claus Massacre", where 9 lives were lost and many others damaged forever because a man was angry at his ex-wife and her family. He was angered and felt justified to take their dreams, hopes for the future away because he was not able to control those people around him.

People like him - that is why we do what we do - why we take the stand that, "Victims should be empowered and Abusers held accountable.

This year has been incredible for Fix The Hurt and Domestic Violence The Musical. We have had the opportunity to bring the awareness and prevention message to about 3,500 people. If half of our audience were women, say, 1750 and one-third of those women are victims, then statistically 583 of our audience are, or will be victims. That number is not acceptable, not in this woman's mind or heart. We will continue to work to end domestic abuse in all forms. We will continue to talk about healthy relationships, to encourage all victims to say STOP and to hold abusers accountable. We will do this for all Lisa's, Julie's, Jennifer's and Bob's. We remember you, we love you.

We wish all a very Happy New Year.

New Opportunities, New Friends

This has been a busy week for Fix the Hurt. So much going on, and most all of it "good stuff".

Last Sunday evening about 10:00 PM we got an e-mail from the Marine Air Station in Iwakuni Japan, telling us they had the "green light" on funding to start the process to take Domestic Violence the Musical?, to Japan. It is intended that the play will be shown to Marines, Sailors, schools and the community in general. We are working to get the details resolved, and hopefully, the cast will be there in April delivering the Domestic Violence Prevention Message.

What an honor to be a part of assisting the military in resolving some of the domestic abuse issues around the world.

On Tuesday, we went to Florence, Arizona Prison and presented a program to 16 of the inmates that are in the restorative justice program there. We are always impressed with the caliber of the people that come to presentations from the Arizona Department Of Corrections programs. The program appears to be working well and they are having about a 97 % success rate with inmates that graduate for this program.

We had an opportunity Saturday night to visit the Phoenician Resort and Spa in Scottsdale, Arizona to meet and talk with Lisa Addeo, who entertains in the Thirsty Camel Lounge in the evenings. What a delight to see her perform and talk with her about Domestic Abuse. Lisa has written as song about domestic abuse, My Intuition, and is talking about joining forces to help us get the message out. So, a new friend and ally is added to the growing group joining the Fix the Hurt Domestic Abuse prevention effort.

FROM EL PASO AND PHOENIX TO JAPAN! WHERE NEXT???

Insuring a Happy Reunion

A question that looms in some peoples mind is, “Will bringing large numbers of troops home in a short period increase the incidents of domestic violence here at home? Duuuh!
If one in four couples experience domestic violence, then 143,000 troops coming home will put 143,000 couples back together, so the incidents from that will result in 35,000 domestic violence incidents. That is only if the ratio of 1 in 4, have domestic violence issues. I submit the ratio will be considerably higher as a result of stress, marital infidelity, attempting to readjust to a forgotten life style and a myriad of other issues. If it is 1 in 3, the number goes to 47,000 incidents. Spread evenly over 50 states that would be about 940 incidents per state from deployment home alone. It would seem we should be planning for the return of our troops and to be able to give them all of the support we can.
What would be wrong with trying to prepare those family members here, now to handle the return by knowing how to help avoid abuse and what to do in the event of an abusive situation, before they have to face it? Hmmmmm Not a bad Idea! Fix the Hurt will get on that, and see what the current program is through the family advocacy centers in the military. The District Attorney of Alamogordo and the Commander at Holloman Air Force Base in Alamogordo, NM, have worked diligently to prepare soldiers and families for their reunions. This was obvious to us as we brought Domestic Violence The Musical ? to their town and their base just two months ago. Other military bases/posts may already have training programs in place, but we suspect the training is for the partner in the military. We will let you know next week, if we can find out.
On another note, let us all be aware of the historical increase in violence during this season. It is a sad truth that a great Christmas present to many is to not get a beating. Let us ever be alert and do all we can for any victim that is in an abusive relationship. What better gift could we give at this Joyous time of the year

Funding Frustration

What is the biggest barrier to implementation of programs to prevent Domestic Abuse?
Funding. Am I right? And the reason is it that only funding goes to service activities, running shelters right? Everyone agrees it is critical that these shelters be funded so those who are victims will be cared for. But what is wrong with funding prevention to stem the flow of victims, so it does not continue to be at least twice as many as can be cared for? The answer is very simple. You cannot get funding because the grantors will only fund projects that can quantify the results. Fix the Hurt recently applied for funding from Allstate Insurance to take Domestic Violence the Musical to different locations around the country, that could not afford to pay for the travel of the cast. Now everyone knows that domestic abuse is one of the big factors of economic loss to corporations and many employees lose their jobs because of the problems with an abusive spouse, whether that is the stated reason for termination or not. The result is the large percentage of the victims become homeless.

Allstate said efforts to prevent domestic violence did not meet their criteria because there was no evidence of building economic stability. I submit that the problem with funding is the excuse that there is no way to prove how many people are not beaten because of the prevention efforts!

Do you think we should suggest that since we cannot quantify the number of teen age girls that do get pregnant we should stop providing forms of birth control and put the money into unwed mother homes? Further we cannot determine the number of cases of sexually transmitted disease that are prevented so we should stop that program too. Why do we spend money on preventing death by drunk drivers when we cannot quantify the lives saved?

Perhaps we need to do follow up contact with people that attend the programs we present and if less that 30 percent have not abused their wife/husband then that is the number of cases of domestic abuse we have prevented.

The Search for a Logo

The search for a logo. Linda wanted something that speaks to Domestic Abuse and our use of the arts in our effort to prevent domestic abuse. We have little artistic talent, but we met a special lady that is loaded with talent, and a heart, as big as all outdoors. She has the tenacity of a pit bull and the sensitivity of an angel. The results of her efforts is . . . . . . taa, daa!


Logo by Vickie Florschuetz


The question of the day -------Is it Domestic Violence or Domestic Abuse?
You tell me!
As we go through life we seem to encounter change. Sometimes we resist and other times we accept it willingly. Really depends on whether the change is needed, doesn’t it?

So it is with the above terms in my opinion. In both, we are talking about acts, neither of which is acceptable.

I went to Webster to find the definition of violence. To my surprise and to point out how commonplace it has become when I entered the word violence both violence and domestic violence came up under the one inquiry. I was really shocked.

But I found the definition of Domestic Violence to be “The inflicting of physical injury by one family member or household member on another.”

Abuse is defined as” language that condemns or vilifies, usually unjustly, intemperately, and angrily”.

The other night Linda and I attended a banquet and one speaker talking about verbal and emotional abuse quoted another person as saying, “The bruises and broken bones and other physical damage is painful, but it heals. However, if you could turn me inside out you would see all the bruises that don’t heal.”

I was speaking with a co-worker some years ago. Talking about an unhappy marriage she said to me, “Sometimes the words hurt a lot more than the hits!”

Taking this frame of reference it would seem that Domestic Abuse covers the ground a little more completely, but I will probably continue to use domestic violence because I am an old dog and find it hard to change.

Now having said that lets all go out and fight to prevent them both.

The Season Approaches

‘Tis the season many of us anticipate with joy, visits with family and friends. ‘Tis also the season when many dread the tension, financial woes and beatings.
As we have just come out of the month designated as Domestic Violence Awareness month, there will be many that won’t think about it until next October, or at least April when we will observe Sexual Assault and Crime Victims Rights Month.
We have really been trying to figure out how to change the practice that we observe these things in the designated month and then the angels continue to be overrun with victims to minister to, as we wait to observe it again next year.
I did some research and will admit that it is not a very scientific approach. I wanted to see if I could determine about how many domestic violence incidents occurred each month and if there were months that had much lower occurrences than others. My first problem is that not many states publish monthly statistics and those that do, are not regular, so I had to compare different years data to try and see the results. Still, the numbers seem to be near enough to give us a trend. Another problem, is that the incidents were not published by month for most states. I was only able to find four states monthly numbers for a year, Utah, PA, NC and Mass. Totals by month are: Jan - 14, Feb - 9, Mar - 21, Apr - 19, May - 21, June - 16, July - 21, Aug - 14, Sep - 22, Oct - 15, Nov - 8, Dec - 16. The point we are making is that abuse happens year round and October and April hypes don’t get it done. We need to be presenting Domestic Violence the Musical every month!
Let’s all get busy and forget about the October and April National designation and work each month to do our best to prevent Domestic Violence. WHAT A CHRISTMAS PRESENT!! YIPPIEEEE NO BEATINGS THIS MONTH, or ever again.

Phoenix Cast Auditions - Dating Violence Concerns

We have been remiss in not keeping our commitment to post a new blog message each week. Sometimes it just seems impossible to keep up. We hope you faithful readers will forgive us.

To the side is a logo we are considering for Fix the Hurt Performing Arts Group. Vickie Florschetz has worked tirelessly to bring something to the table that we "love". I think this is it. If you have an opinion let us know.

Loren Marsters held auditions on Saturday, Nov. 8th for a Phoenix cast for Domestic Violence the Musical? We were encouraged by the talent that turned out for the audition, but still need some help with a couple of spots. Anyone out there know a good keyboard player that is good at improv? Let us know if you do. We also need a couple of male actors to take important parts. If you know of someone that would fit these spots let us know right away as we hope to start rehearsals shortly;

The auditions were made more enjoyable by the occasioned visit of two of our original El Paso cast that came to give Loren assistance and moral support. Ginny Green Warren came to help with choreography and Alexander St. Clair came to help by inspiring those trying out. Thanks Ginny and Alex for caring enough to make the trip. After the auditions we got to visit with them as we had lunch at Loren’s favorite burger house—“In and Out Burger”


Things have been very busy and we are involved in some new projects that we are excited about. Currently, we are in a grant application-writing mode for a very important project. We are hoping to get funds which will allow us to write the musical we will call Dating Violence 101. Our talented writer, Loren Marsters has been pondering the opening of this musical, that we intend to appeal to teens and their parents, with music will be geared to fit the targeted audience. Sounds like an impossible task, but we have tremendous confidence in Loren’s ability to pull things together.


We know from the surveys that about 81% of the parents surveyed don’t think dating violence is a problem or say they don’t know if it is a problem, and 54% say they have never talked to their teens about dating violence.

We know from surveys that 83% of tenth graders reported they would turn to a friend for help with dating abuse, rather than to a teacher, counselor, parent or other caring adult.

With these prevailing attitudes among teens and their parents, in most cases the most caring person is left out of the loop with the teen - the parent. How do we resolve this problem? With the musical! How? The intent is to take the shows to high schools and bring parents and teens together to watch the play. The thought is that the parents and teens can open a dialogue about what they see and get their thoughts and concerns out in the open about the play. This will hopefully give the parents and teens the courage to talk about the issues of concern to the teen, and allow the parent to get better insight into the potential or existing problem. This is a critical issue. We must stop Dating Violence and quit graduating Domestic Violence abusers from the schools. If you have any thoughts about grant money let us know.

On the Road

Fix the Hurt and Domestic Violence the Musical? have been on the road again.

Linda, John and Loren were on the road this week with six performances in New Mexico and Texas. What a time we had along with our fabulous El Paso Cast. This crew worked their hearts out with a performance in Alamogordo, New Mexico on Wednesday night at the Flickinger Theater in downtown Alamogordo, with 500 people in attendance. Our thanks to Scot Key, the DA for the 12th District of NM and his staff - Kimberly and Melanie - thank you.

Then Thursday morning there were two performances at the Canutillo High School, with a whopping 800 high school kids per performance, thank to Rosario Olivera. Ever tried to hold the attention of 800 kids at a time? With a intermittently working sound system? With workmen on stage during the performance? Well this cast did it! They nailed it so well the kids were riveted during the entire performance! After the last performance, Ginny Green was sitting on the edge of the stage, I think resting from the rigors of the pace and about seven freshmen girls gathered around her and started asking questions. One fifteen year old girl told that she had gotten pregnant at age 14, the baby was a year old now, and she was not with the father, but he still had access to her through the baby and was abusive. She expressed how she appreciated learning a great deal during the performance and how it would help her deal with the situation. The evening attendance was lightly attended, but a great performance.

On Friday morning we traveled back to Alamogordo to perform for 600 airmen at Holloman AFB. What a sight, airmen - predominantly men, looking with wonder at the stag thinking “what the heck am I in for now?” and the base commander and his wife sitting in the front row. Within two to three minutes, the cast had them and held them the entire show with a standing ovation. Many, many commented that it was great and they didn’t know what to expect. A survey card was filled out by each attendee and Linda got a look at them. The top rating was a five and all she saw were marked with a five. And comments like, "great job", "good information", etc. A huge "thank you" to Ellen Madison-Holtz and Sgt. Julie Davis.

The places you can make a difference? High School and Military bases!!

The final performance at 9:10 in the morning Saturday was for District 32 District Attorney’s Help, Hope and Healing conference with approximately 600 in attendance. It was great to see Stephanie Dodson, CAFV, Virginia Gonzales, MADD, Jaime Esparza, District Attorney and many of my very supportive friends. Special thanks to the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Sheriff Apadoca for their support. Region 19 is a magnificant facility and we enjoyed performing there. The crowd was engaged and receptive and there were more than a few tears.

It was a great 4 days, we are tired, but excited for our next opportunity to bring Domestic Violence the Musical? to communities everywhere - we hope we can make a difference.

The Trip to Vernal

We recently made a trip to Vernal, Utah, home of some extraordinary people. Two of which are our daughter, Lori and her husband, Brent . . . . and our grandson, Tyler. We spent a few days in their lovely home and got to know Brent's family - truly welcoming, kind and just plain "good" folks.

We had the opportunity to participate in the Vernal Domestic Violence Prevention Training Program on the 10th of October. More than 60 DV workers, advocates and law enforcement people came together for a training session on Domestic Violence Prevention. Detective Kevin Nudd from the West Valley Police Department made presentations in the morning designed to refresh the participants on the finer points of the law and methods of handling Domestic Violence issues.

We were on the program in the afternoon presenting Domestic Violence in the workplace, Lisa’s Story and the Silent Cry, a program designed to bring to light issues involving pregnant women. We were pleased by the number of participants that came to us after the program indicating how they were touched by our presentation. Many were survivors of an abusive relationship and several were former wives of police officers. On the tables were paper chains, representing the cycle of violence. Participants were encouraged to take the chains apart and write comments on the paper. We received many written comments and attach those for your reading experience:

What a great job you are doing!!!

Thank you and may God bless you and guide you throughout your quest to stop DV

Thank you for sharing Lisa’s story! May you continue your sharing. You are doing wonderful work. You are very inspiring.

I was in an abusive marriage for 14 years . . . and during that time, began losing faith. I am healing. I am finding my voice. Thank you for sharing your story. It has strengthened me in many ways. God bless you.

I have been a stay at home mom for 19 years. Six weeks ago I decided to take employment outside my home. I’ve been working as a Victim Advocate for six weeks. I know that there is a purpose for me in this field of work. Thank you for your courage and perhaps I can make a positive impact as you have.

Thank you for teaching me about victims of crime. I was a victim myself and now out of it – safe and sound. As a Native American I really didn’t know that I was in trouble until I learned about abuse. Again, thank you. May God bless you and your family and guide you in your trips.

Your story of your family and Lisa was so moving and surfaced a lot of feelings about myself and family. I too, was a victim of sexual and physical abuse. Thank you for your comforting thoughts.

Our prayers are with you as you spread your message. Thank you for sharing your story. God bless.

Thank you so much for all you are doing. As a victim of DV and as a police officer’s wife, I was so grateful to those that helped me. I also relate as it has been my faith that has helped me, as well. May the Lord continue to bless us.

Thank you so much for the training, for your message and support you bring to every person in life. Sorry for your loss. She is in a better place and she is also helping out through your experience in your life. God bless you and thank you again for making a difference in people’s lives.

Thank you so much for speaking to us today – your words are full of strength and hope. My older sister was a victim of domestic violence for 6 years. She finally admitted to us what we suspected all along. She is now out of the situation & much happier. Thank you for having the strength to speak out to so many about this. I myself do not have the courage to do it publicly. Your strength and testimonies encourage me. When we sat with my sister while she told my dad, we told him that no matter what she told him, he wasn’t to leave. He too, wanted to kill the guy. Thanks so much.

Thank you for sharing your story! Your faith is outstanding and I appreciate your time and willingness to share. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

As the mother of two daughters and four granddaughters, I want to know what kind of interventions parents can do to “rescue” their daughters from abusive relationships. Your daughter was so strong as a child. How does their self-esteem slip so badly, so quickly. How do we restore it – how do we help them restore it? Thank you for what you are doing.

Our lives are made better because there are individuals who like these, bless our lives.

John & Linda

The Way It Should Be!!

I was in El Paso yesterday with the cast of Domestic Violence The Musical? All I can say is WOW! What I saw was a strong “ramping up” of the performance audiences will see later in October. After the July performances I didn’t think it could be more powerful, but I knew our director, Loren Marsters had done it again when I heard Nathan Stell-Smith, on guitar, joining Elena on the piano as the actors sang, “Don’t Know How to Leave”. I was totally blown away when the guitar joined the voices of Cindy Miles and Ginny Green for the presentation of "Control " and I actually got goose flesh and when the trio of female voices joined to do “Listen, Listen, Listen.” I finally knew why Linda cries every time it is presented that way. Look out all you folks that plan to attend the October presentations in Alamogordo, NM, Holloman AFB, Region 19 in El Paso and Canutillo High School . You are about to see an ensemble come together to bring you a strong message in a way you have never seen.

We were saddened by the news yesterday of yet another domestic violence homicide at Fort Bragg, the third one in four months. Our hearts go out to the family and friends of 29 year old, Sgt. Christina E. Smith. The message of “Domestic Violence The Musical?” needs to be taken to all military installations. Kudos to Ellen Madison –Holtz, for her huge part in bringing this program to Holloman AFB and to Base Command for recognizing the great need and supporting this effort.

DVTM at the Herberger

“Domestic Violence, The Musical?”

With the nail biting John always has to do it was even more stressful when the D V the musical cast had to travel from El Paso to Phoenix. Sunday evening many of the cast members finished their performance of “Shakespeare on the Rocks”, climbed into a van with the rest of the cast about 11:30 PM, Arizona time and drove 8 hours to perform Monday night at the Herberger Theater in Downtown Phoenix. You know how it is when the kids are out late with the car? Yep, that is sort of what John was feeling! He probably called them three or four times en-route to make sure the vehicle was performing well and all other sorts of things. What can I say, he worries a lot!

All of his worries paid off because they had no trouble and What a Performance! They were a big hit in Phoenix and we are planning to be back in April.

As we watch the audience and see the emotions, we continue to be gratified that we have a musical that carries the message so well. Kudos, to the writer and director, Loren Marsters, for the great job.
It is a little confusing to the audience, because the performance is so realistic, the audience starts asking the advice of the actors.
One person stood in front of the cast and said, “Where were you guys when I was getting married?”

We are looking at a really busy schedule for October. We have five performances on the board. We will be playing to Holloman AFB to an estimated 1000 to 1200 Airmen, the New Mexico District 12 with a performance in Alamogordo New Mexico. And we have a number of shows booked for April, already.

We are getting requests for the play from all over the country and will try to get the message to as many as we can reach.

Linda

Lest I Be Misunderstood . . .

Lest I be misunderstood, let me hasten to say that I feel sick to my stomach when I see an animal abused. There are not many things cuter that a puppy and I understand the companionship and health building benefits of dogs in our life. I have two and a half year old granddaughter that simply cannot see a doggy without running toward it, and she is the light of her Papa’s eye.
Now having said all that I must say that there are times when I think the media has things out of perspective. Let me explain why I am concerned about the media.
Some needed information to explain my concerns:
Between 25 to 35 % of our population is abused by their domestic partnesr.
Statistics show that each year 3.3 million children in the United States are exposed to Domestic Violence.
324,000 women each year are abused during pregnancy (consider the unborn baby that makes 648,000 cases of abuse each year).
Now we read in the news paper, and see on TV that an elected official is arrested for beating his wife but what is the focus? The focus is who will replace him in his elected position if he steps down? HELLO!! This is a human being that has been beaten!
A woman is killed by her partner and where do we read about it?
In the obituary or perhaps buried in the middle of the “what all happened at the pool today” section of the paper.
It is October, Domestic Violence Month and the Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence has its opening event at the Herberger theater and you cannot find one single news media person anywhere! Efforts to get the event publicized are ignored except for Channel 12 TV and an article restricted to the East Valley Edition of the Arizona Republic. The very next morning I go out and pick up my paper and go to the Valley and State section. ABOVE THE FOLD IN LARGE BOLD LETTERS WITH LARGE PHOTOS AND THREE COLUMNS WIDE I READ--- Volunteers retrieve 89 dogs saved from MO. Puppy mill – Please understand that I applaud the tremendous efforts of these volunteers to rescue these dogs from Missouri and all of those like them who work to end the emotional and physical pain and suffering of any of Gods creatures.
My issue is that the media has decided what is in the interest of the masses rather than fairly and equally reporting the real issues. I suspect that the method of selecting the replacement for a public official could be properly carried out without commentary from the media on the front page. On the other hand so many inequalities continue unreported in the human pain and suffering arena, as in the case of the battered wife, with so little interest and less effort by the media to properly focus on them and really make a difference.
John

DVTM - Phoenix Herberger Stage West

Well, September 22nd is almost here. Just one more day until "showtime" for Phoenix. Our El Paso cast will be traveling to Arizona this evening to a much anticipated performance. Much anticipated for them, as well as for those who will attend the play tomorrow night. My belief is that the show will be even better than before. There have been some minor changes and tweeking by our director, Loren Marsters.

DVTM won't be resting long before five more performances in four days in New Mexico at Holloman Air Force Base and the performance at Alamorgodo, sponsored by the District Attorney for Otero County, NM, two shows for the Canutillo School District and then the Help, Hope and Healing Conference for El Paso District Attorney. The interesting thing about these five performances is that they are all free to the public - an indication that while these plays are often used for fundraising for agencies/groups, the most sincer

DV Means Different Things to Different People

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Domestic violence means different things to different people. The most common vision that comes to mind is a man beating his female partner. Often that is exactly what happens. But there are times when a woman is abusing her male partner. Some dismiss this as being insignificant but I submit that abuse in any form is painful. One victim told me, “Sometimes his words hurt more than his fist.” I suspect this is the case with a man who is abused by his female partner. I would not attempt to evaluate the level of pain experienced by another, but I am sure whether male or female, whether physical of emotional, it is intense.

However, for the purpose of this discussion, I would like to focus on levelness of the field of combat when a couple gets physical with each other. In the sporting world there are rules and guidelines that keep the combat equal. With boxing, wrestling, and other areas of combat there are weight classes that try and make the size factor of the combatants of the competition equal. Even when two guys come together with those differences, they are both trying to win!

But look at a 225-pound man and a 110-pound woman that may become combative. Given the tools she has at hand, the field is probably not going to be level. So what does she do to level the playing field, assuming he is the aggressive one? Under the law, she has some heavy restrictions. Typically the rule is: If he has a gun, she can have a gun, if he has a club, she can have a club, if he has a fist, she can have a fist. I have seen men and their partners fight and typically when a woman is aggressive and hits the man without a weapon, he just laughs about it. That is the thing we guys do, isn’t it? But if she levels the playing field by using a weapon, and he has none, she can be arrested! And remember this, he may be trying to control her life by beating her into submission, but she may very well be trying to stay alive! So, I submit that the best thing a partner can do when things get violent is simply not be there!

The most reasonable action to take when living in a violent relationship is to: 1) Get out safely; 2) Get your partner to agree to counseling; 3) Stay out until counseling starts to work; 4) If it does not work, stay out and stay safe, because to return may very well mean you go to jail or worse go to a grave!

In the our play, “Domestic Violence the Musical?” the victim performs a song with a blues melody, she sings “I’m a dead woman walking, I’m a human punching bag!” and a little later she sings, “ The only way out is in a body bag.”

Some women really are in situations this serious and it is our goal to bring their plight to the attention of the community that can come together and provide a way out for her and many others like her.

. . . . and Justice For All

The loss of a child is always painful and something that any parent, instinctively, will do almost anything to avoid. Once the loss has occurred, the parent tries to minimize the pain and suffering attributable to that loss. But there are birthdays, death days, holidays and a myriad of other days that bring memories of good times and the loss. In our case, today the 6th day of September, is the anniversary of Lisa’s funeral day.

In many lives, one such event is the parole-hearing day. The day the perpetrator makes his bid to be released from a cell and again enter society. We had that opportunity in 2006 and that bid was denied. One of the factors that influence the parole board seems to be the response from the public and victims family. While we are not mean spirited, and are willing to let things rest in the hands of a higher power we feel a responsibility to our daughter who lies in a premature grave. We feel there are factors that caused the judge and jury to be more lenient than was prudent, but again, that is not our decision, so we are willing to let responsibility for that rest in others hands.

So you ask then why are you inputting the process to encourage a full term sentence? Simple! We believe in justice and in our minds justice must be served without the early intervention of mercy.

Again, the process was conducted in August of 2008, with the same results and a determination that the opportunity would not be available again and the full term would be served. Others will see this differently, but we are satisfied that all that can be done, has been done and we leave the rest in the hands of that higher power.

We wish to thank those who have asked and have written letters expressing their feelings about the situation. Your expressions of love, interest and concern are a great comfort to us, of Lisa’s family. We are always reluctant to name individuals, but in this case will make an exception. We express appreciation to the Assistant District Attorney, Bill Hicks. His efforts have been above and beyond those required by his office and we appreciate his expression of concern in Lisa’s behalf. We hope that he who was judged in this case, has and will take this opportunity to reflect on how life can be made better and at the first chance, choose the higher road that leads to success throughout eternity.

We will continue to work toward the same goal with an eye to the time we will be rejoined by our precious loved ones that were called to the other side of the veil before us.

John and Linda

Touching Lives & Changing Attitudes

As Linda and I have traveled around speaking to people about domestic violence, we have had some very special experiences. Some of the more memorable have been our invitation from the Arizona Department of Corrections, to make presentations to the inmates in the prisons. I must tell you we were a little unsure when we went to the first presentation. But, for those of you that know Linda, she took care of that in the first few minutes of the session. Here is this little 110 pound blonde lady out walking through the inmates, shaking hands and asking their names. Throughout the presentation she would call them by name and ask them questions.

The response from the audience was amazing. Linda always tells a little about the reason we got into the domestic violence prevention so actively. As she tells about Lisa, it is interesting to see these worldly men weep, and express frustration about this issue. They always ask about the time penalty the abuser got and when told, they express outrage.

After Linda finishes her part, I give a power point presentation on issues of domestic violence and we get a good response from the group. When we are finished there are always a few of the inmates that want to hang around, talk and ask questions. They never fail to express feelings that we have treated them like human beings, not caged animals. It is my belief that because Linda treats these men this way they are more receptive to our presentation and anxious to be more involved in further learning opportunities. One of the groups we spoke to were inmates who were there for life with no hope of parole and still the reception was the same.

We know that service to our fellow men is an important part of our society. I often wonder how many of the men we speak to would be there if someone had cared enough to show some concern and consideration earlier in their lives?

This principle was reinforced to me a few years back when Linda arranged for some volunteers to go to a resource center for the homeless and give hair cuts. The volunteers would wear white shirts and ties, and as the homeless would sit down, the volunteers would put their hand on their shoulder and ask how they wanted their haircut.

The director of the center was talking to Linda later and told her how much it meant to the people. Linda said, “I am sure it is a relief to get that hair cut especially in the summer.” The director said, “Yes it is a relief, but what means more to these homeless people than the hair cut, is the fact that a person wearing a white shirt and tie would actually care enough to cut their hair and touch them on the shoulder in the process.”

“Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me”.

We are encouraged by the response to “Domestic Violence the Musical? ” We believe this musical will cause people to better understand the plight of the victim, cause them to hold the abuser accountable and not be able to leave the performance and feel good about doing nothing!

John

Pre-Teens' Thoughts

The El Paso Office of the Texas Attorney General's Office sponsored tickets to Domestic Violence The Musical for a group of pre-teens. I had the pleasure of meeting them when they attended the performance.



My friend, Susan Hatch with the AG's office, was kind enough to fax me copies of their impressions of the play and I will pass them along, without revealing their names.



“Domestic Violence can hurt people, physical and emotional. Most of the time it is men, but not all the time, sometimes the abuser can be a female. The abuser can tell the victm that he loves her and by (sic) her all kind of expensive things to make up all the time he hit and abused her and most of the time the victim doesn’t know how to leave. They keep coming back because he keeps saying he loves her and the victim thinks that the abuser will kill her and that is what I learned about Domestic Violence.”


“The main idea is that abuse is not the right thing to do and that anyone can be an abuser, females and males, that is what I learned at the play.”


“The main idea is where the girl was going to die at the hands of her husband. I had seen these emotions – happiness, sadness and anger. The play had a very dramatic scene where she plays the part where she tells everyone to stop laughing. She had enough confidence in herself to say stop. As for the actors and actresses, they did an excellent show.”


“The play was very good and it taught everyone a lesson. Not only males can be abusers, females can, too. I think most people should see this play because it teaches people about real life. And that is what I learned today.”

“The musical dealt with life situations that are faced by victims of abuse. This presentation will be beneficial to our program, especially for our family workshops. It was very well attended and putting the scenes to music made it easier for our youth and other children in attendance to follow.” Program Coordinator



My hope is that the message will stick and that they will be able to identify behaviors and "red flags" that will empower them to separate themselves from potentially violent relationships. If we can reach just one, with the necessary skills she/he may need for a happy, productive life without violence, then I will be happy.

Linda

A Father's Reaction

A question that is always asked a parent is, “How do you handle losing a child?” The answer is always, “What choice do you have?” The answer sounds trite, but the truth is, “What choice do you have?” Of course there are different ways to react.

I recall when my oldest son was in a car wreck and I saw him in the hospital in Phoenix, comatose and connected to all kinds of wires and tubes. I must tell you I felt a little confused, a little angry and a lot lost. But you see he was in a one car accident and there was no one to blame. I finally came to peace with the ordeal and was able to let him go when he was called home at the end of 16 months.

Almost 15 years later, I received a call telling me that my second child, a beautiful girl of 33 had been murdered execution style. I always felt she was murdered by her boyfriend and was anxious to find out. We never did and so I had to work through that one, too.

You can imagine my feelings when our daughter, Lisa, fell into an abusive relationship with a sociopath, shortly after completing her schooling at college. We would talk to her by the hours and she would agree with everything we said, then go right back to him. As I saw the bruises, broken fingers and hurt in her eyes, I finally found someone to blame. At the peak of my frustration I recall the words of a good friend, saying to me, “John we can hire someone to break his legs.” I must confess instead of telling him, "NO!", I told him, “Let me think about it for while”. I puzzled over it for about two weeks and during that time I think I decided to ask if he was serious and tell him yes, about 6 or 8 times, but would always pick up the phone, then put the phone down and not give the order. Finally, I decided that was not the thing to do. I may have wished a little he would take it on himself to do it, but he didn’t.

I have since learned that it would have been the worst thing I could have done to my relationship with my daughter. I am sure she would have hated me for it.

You may have seen the movie, “The Bucket List”, with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, Nicholson is telling Freeman why he and his daughter have not spoken for years. He says, “The first time her husband hit her she came to me and I wanted to bash his brains in, she wouldn’t let me, said it was her fault, she provoked the fight, he had been drinking. The second time he hit her she didn’t come to me, my ex-wife told me. I called a guy that called a guy that takes care of these things. I don’t know what he did to the guy, he didn’t kill him, but my daughter never heard from him again, but she said I was dead to her and called me a lot of bad names you wouldn’t believe.”

And so you see, we old gruff guys often think of diabolical punishments for the abusers, too.

I remember my wife sitting on the sofa and telling me some of the low class, sinful and unspeakable things Lisa told her the jerk would make her do that just broke my heart. She was a tender little thing when she met him just out of school and learned the ways of the world from an evil man that was supposed to love her and cherish her.

I have grown a lot and understand a lot better what I wish I had known years back. I hope I would have listened a lot more to these special kids that I love so much. I should have been less prone to act, and a lot more prone to listen, encourage, love, and tell them how special they are.

We recently hired a very talented writer to write a musical and we are producing the play, called Domestic Violence the Musical? In the musical ,a song is entitled, “Listen, Listen, Listen.” Such sound advice to parents that have kids involved in violent relationships! But also very sound advice for friends who have friends in violent relationships. The Musical is playing at the Herberger in Phoenix on September 22, 2008.

But, I digress, or maybe not. How do fathers handle the loss of children? With a lot of faith that there is a higher power looking over all and by going out and working to do all we can do to try and keep other parents from experiencing the same heartbreak.

John King

Portrait Courtesy of The Bravery Project and Vickie Florschetz

This Is For Lisa

This is for Lisa. This is for all Lisa's, or Julie's, or Mark's. Domestic Violence The Musical? is dedicated to her memory and theirs, in hopes that because of the knowledge gained through this production, another mother, father, sister, aunt, friend will not lose a loved one to domestic violence.

The auditions, the rehearsals, the trips to El Paso to promote Domestic Violence The Musical? What an incredible adventure this has been for me and John, my husband and biggest fan, Loren Marsters, our amazingly talented writer/director, Anne Pratt, my friend and super composer, Ceci Cortez, choreographer supreme, and our wonderful cast, who has caught the vision of the message we want to send. I have seen the play a number of times and each time at a certain point my eyes fill with tears. One member of the cast watches me and after the play, says "gotcha" again.

Domestic Violence The Musical? began as John and I were searching for a different way to present the message of what happens to victims, their children, their families and friends and as we researched extensively, and found that aside from training opportunities, seminars, books, and lecturers, there did not seem to be a "gotcha" method of sending the message we felt needed to be heard. John said, "Let's do a play." "A play. . . what do we know about writing a play?" We didn't know anything about writing a script, but we certainly knew someone that did. Enter our friend, Loren Marsters. As we sat and told him our thoughts about a play . . . his comment was, "Let's make it a musical - Domestic Violence The Musical?" And so it began this journey of meeting incredible people, gaining support and encouragement and acceptance and touching lives.

The El Paso Center Against Family Violence and the YWCA Transitional Living Center welcomed this production with open arms and early on said, "Let's do it."

The highlight of this work was performing in El Paso and seeing the reaction of the audiences, hearing their comments and knowing that we had achieved our goal -- that people were actually listening and hearing the message we were sending.

We are so excited to bring Domestic Violence The Musical? to the Herberger Theater in Phoenix, AZ on September 22, 2008, sponsored by the Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

This is just the beginning, and we won't stop until the communities get the message, victims are liberated, abusers are held accountable and domestic violence STOPS. We are not naive enough to think that just attending the play will accomplish this goal, we stand ready with well-planned training programs to train, educate and enlist the community in this fight.

Linda King

Photo courtesy of Arizona Republic