New Beginnings

What is going on in the King household this week? Well, Lindsey and Linda spent the night in midnight madness Black Friday, shopping. Not me! I was sleeping!

Linda and I are in the middle of rehearsal for what, I guess, will be called, "Control-Assault-Delete". This is a 55-minute, two person show that tells Lisa's story of the nine year walk through a violent relationship. Linda and I take the parts of various people and it is really testing our memorizing skills.

The director, David Barker, is a great guy, who is a Professor of Theatre at ASU. He has his own one-man show, entitled, "Dodging Bullets". This is a story of his sister's walk through and out of a violent relationship. The Dodging Bullets title is exactly what happened at one point, except the sister didn't dodge as well as David. "Dodging Bullets" will be performed at ASU on January 14. I think there are a few tickets left.

In any event we are excited about this one, and hope it is as well received as "Domestic Violence, The Musical?"

We are involved in trying to get the next play in the typewriter at this time. It will be called, "I Have This Friend." It is dealing with teen dating violence and will be designed for high school students.

So you see, Linda is as busy as usual while John loafs around.

We will keep you posted as we move forward.

John says, "Some people try to turn back their odometers, not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I have traveled a long way and some of the roads were not paved."

Back from Iwakuni

I truly don't know where to begin . . . . . the Japan adventure was incredible! Wonderful friendships were forged and it was amazing to see our Marines and Sailors preserving our freedoms in a distant land.

From the moment we boarded ANA until we left the Japanese influence behind, we were treated with kindness, respect and total hospitality. Never have I seen such accommodating people. They anticipate your every need and meet it to the very best of their ability.

We arrived in the middle of the night, found our rooms and tried to rest a little after a grueling 22+ hours on the road and in the air. DJ was the first one ready to sightsee the next morning . . . anxious to get his co-cast members out and about in Hiroshima. I spent the day in the Family Service Center with Betty, LaNita, Gina and Ellen and with NCIS Supervisory Special Agent Scott Vousboukis.

I managed to get away for a day of sight-seeing with DJ, Danielle, Miciah and Jori. We had a great time and enjoyed the beauty of Iwakuni, and a very interesting dinner. (Glad I am a vegetarian, because it seems everyone except Danielle and I ate horse.)

The three performances at the theater were well-attended and enjoyed by all.

The return trip had its moments. First, DJ and I lost our passports, but fortunately mine was returned the same night by the cab driver. DJ's luck was not immediate, however, and we spent many hours fretting over his ability to come back to the US with us. All worked out in the end, and we traveled home together.

Yesterday, the Evening of the Arts Volunteer team met at the Broadway Palm Dinner Theater for a run through of responsibilities of the upcoming fundraising event on November 9. Hope everyone will tell their friends, co-workers and family members to support this joint effort between FTH and Bravery Project. You won't be disappointed.

Upcoming TV/radio interviews to promote Evening of the Arts include Mesa Talking with Scott Anderson and Channel 12, noon show, Nov 2.

Maybe by Christmas I will catch-up on my sleep.

Happy Birthday, Lisa

Mid-October and already this month, "Domestic Violence, The Musical?" has entertained, enlightened, educated and raised awareness to approximately 2,500 community members, college students, airmen, military staff and law enforcement professionals.

It has been our pleasure to perform eight shows in Flagstaff, Ft. Bliss/El Paso, TX, Scottsdale, Sheppard AFB and Midwestern State University in Wichita Falls, TX.

What a delight to have both daughters, Lori and Lindsey to attend the Sojourner sponsored play. As I introduced them to the audience, I brought to their attention that there was one daughter missing, Lisa, but if she were there with us, there would be no "Domestic Violence, The Musical?" and eventhough she was not there in person, her spirit lives on. Tomorrow is Lisa's Birthday - October 19, 1972.

All audiences were fantastic. Some stand out in our minds, though. The reception we received from the performance sponsored by Sojourners Center, was wonderful. There were so many individuals there who, although supportive of the Sojourners' mission and mindful of the serious social problems of domestic violence, commented about gaining a additional knowledge about their responsibilities as community members to answer the plight of victims.

Our three-day visit to Wichita Falls, Tx and Sheppard AFB, truly stands out as one of the most rewarding of all our performances. As we stood at the front and looked out at the sea of camouflage and the faces of those brave young men and women who are dedicated to serving and protecting our country, it was difficult to hold back the tears. Three audiences of between 650 and 800 clapped, laughed, booed the abuser and cheered the victim on. There were questions and comments, people standing in line to speak one-on-one.

Working with the Family Advocacy at Sheppard and especially, Patricia Kennedy, was an example of someone who "knew how to pull off a successful event". Not only was she professional, thorough and congenial, but I will continue to value her friendship.

It truly is a small world . . . . at the Meet and Greet held for the cast/myself on Thursday night, I met a lovely young prosecutor for the Wichita County DA's office. Her name is Shelley Wilbanks. As we talked, we found we had a mutual friend - Bill(y) Hicks, who prosecuted our case in El Paso, was a school friend to Shelley. What a nice surprise!! I also met the DA, Barry Macha, who is acquainted with Jaime Esparza, the El Paso DA. Mr. Macha attended DVTM with his wife on Friday night and is now a strong supporter of our mission.

First and foremost in my mind, though, is the importance of the information we were able to convey to those hundreds of airmen who attended - who now have a better understanding of the dynamics of DV and what they can do to help.

DV Awareness???? No Clear Bell???

Well, it is almost October again and everyone is getting hyped about Domestic Violence prevention activities. These are dedicated, well-intentioned people, intent on helping victims avoid and escape abusive relationships, stopping the growth of abuse and making the public aware of how they can help.

When it is over and you look around, you see that things seem to settle back into the same old routine! People go about their business and often they hear nothing more until next year

I have the image of this huge bell busily swinging back and forth all year long and people watching it and admiring the bell. But, in my mind I see people looking and walking away or not even looking up. Closer inspection reveals there is no clangor in the bell. It swings daily and never issues a sound.

How do we put a clangor in the bell, so its peal will be ever present in our communities?

That is the Fix the Hurt Dream! We are working to bring the wonderful message that Domestic Violence, the Musical? delivers, and developing other performing arts programs that will appeal to agencies and groups across the nation.

Our upcoming performances include 11 performances in October and 1 in November of this year. You can check the website at http://www.fixthehurtpag.org/.

Soon you will see changes in our website, the two, http://www.fixthehurtpag.org/ and http://www.fixthehurt.org/, will join into one and be more powerful than ever.

John Says ---Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved

First Performance of this Season

So many new things are happening for Fix the Hurt, it's difficult to get my arms around all of them.

It was really great to meet the new cast, Danielle, DJ, Nicole, Jori, Miciah, and see the outstanding performance of Domestic Violence, The Musical?, they gave at the TVSA Conference on Sept 16. Between all the "forgotten" things (a lot my fault) it's a wonder that the performance went off as wonderful as it did. The music is so enhanced and sounds fantastic. Thank you, Miciah Dodge. The dancing was innovative and exciting. Thank you Danielle Wetzel. There was an instant, spontaneous standing ovation. The praises were endless for Loren's writing talent. All-in-all, it was terrific

There are so many people in my life helping me that I could not begin to name them all. My youngest daughter, Lindsey, has a birthday next week and she set up a donation request for FTH on FB for her friends to donate in lieu of birthday presents. How sweet is that??

Beverly Brown, my friend and trusted travel agent, at Travel Mania has helped me with travel arrangements to Wichita Falls and Japan. http://travelmaniavacations.com/. Honestly, it's almost easier to get to Japan than Wichita Falls, TX. I'm handling the Southwest Airlines travel arrangements just fine, but glad Beverly is there for the harder stuff.

I have met some amazing people this week. Jan Lobeck, a mother whose daughter was killed by her ex-husband in Kansas, and Sara Jane Drescher, whose daughter, Donnah, was killed by her husband. Jan has written a book, "Not In Vain" and Sara helped start a shelter in Ft. Lauderdale, FL - Women in Distress. These mothers, like me, never wanted to belong to this exclusive club where your heart is breaking and you want to make all the madness stop. We are doing the best we can with what we have and hopefully it will change one or two lives in the process, and those one or two will pass it on.

And then, there is my partner, Vickie Florschuetz, Bravery Project founder, whom I love. We met with Jane Irvine and Dan Levey with the Office of the Attorney General. They were most receptive and gave us about an hour of their time to listen to our frustrations about lack of funding for preventive measures in this fight to reduce domestic violence in Arizona and across our nation. Vickie and I, along with our dedicated committee are working hard to bring underwriters and sponsors out of the woodwork to help us with the cost of presenting - Evening of the Arts at the Broadway Palm Dinner Theater in Mesa. One true lifesaver was John Paterson of International Minute Press in Mesa. Vickie and I met with John about printing the tickets, poster and programs for Evening of the Arts. Well, John is donating all the printing -- something we never dreamed he would do. What a great surprise! What a great person! Thank you John. Our task now is to sell, sell, sell tickets.

Keely Bamberg has been trying to focus my head on a strategic plan for Fix the Hurt. Actually, she is such an amazing person, I have even enjoyed this part of being in the non-profit world of business. She is striving to assist FTH in it's direction, plannning, and achieving of our long-term goals. All I want to do is go out there and use every resource available to me, every venue opened to me, every media opportunity I can find to teach prevention, to educate and to reduce the number of lives that are changed forever at the hands of an abuser. But, we must be organized, professional and funded. That's where Keely is there to guide and direct, so I will try to be a good steward.

John is busy every day, I mean every day, trying to keep our family fed and clothed. He works from about 5 am to 10 pm, six days a week, and sometimes 2 to 3 hours if he receives a service call on Sunday. I love and appreciate his dedication to his family and to the mission of Fix the Hurt.

A Week of Many Emotions

Tough week for our family. September 1 was eight years since Lisa's death. Lots of sweet memories of her seemed to fill my heart and mind and that's a blessing. She was such a fun child. She was always happy, brave and poised to help her siblings. She loved to bake and was the designated family cookie/cake maker. But her life was cut short and we miss her.

There are many things to look forward to for Fix the Hurt. We have met some very well-connected and forward looking people, who will help to raise awareness and bring to light many of the misconceptions about domestic violence through their sense of our mission.

Travel reservations are confirmed and we are looking forward to the upcoming performances of "Domestic Violence, The Musical?" in several military bases/posts in the U.S. and Japan. Also looking forward to going to El Paso this month for the TVSA conference - Tortilla Soup for the Advocates Soul. September also holds the Pinal County DV Conference and Karma Cups. Speaking of Karma Cups, daughter, Lindsey, has an entry for the bra decorating contest. I think she is quite clever. Here is what she wrote to go with her entry.

"Much time and thought went into what I wanted my bra entry to represent. First and foremost, I wanted it to be a message of hope and better things to come.
Finally Free describes my sister, Lisa. Lisa’s life came to a tragic end eight years ago, but, as I said when I spoke to her abuser in the courtroom: “You took away my best friend, she was all that I had, and now she is gone. But she is better off, because you cannot hurt her any more. She is finally free.”
To all those women who are still in an abusive relationship, I say, “Free yourselves” from the chains of abuse. The purple skirt says to “gather up” your courage and strength and move forward. The bling and sequins are symbolic of a rich future in store for you as a survivor . Butterflies are beautiful and remind us of the freedom to move about, make choices and find your own place in the wide, wonderful world. Everyone loves butterflies and you are loveable and beautiful. Obviously purple is the color that symbolizes healing.
So, let us join together (back hooks) and spread the word that we are here to support and lift each other."

Lindsey King Robles

Another exciting new venture is our continuing rehearsals for the new play, "Total Control" (maybe - still toying with titles). We are enjoying working with our director, David Barker, and pleased with the progress we have made so far. Hopefully, we will be ready to offer this performance by January 2010. Also working on the teen dating musical, "I Have This Friend". Very happy to have met with Keely Bamberg, a very talented young woman who owns StrateGente. We hope to very soon be working with Keely on a strategic plan for Fix the Hurt.

Well, this is just kind of an update on what is going on with Fix the Hurt.

My Children - the Cheerleaders

This time of the year always brings back to my mind the reality of Lisa's death. It was exactly 8 years ago today - August 23, 2001, that I last saw Lisa. We went to a mother-daughter evening at church. I can even remember what she was wearing, a red shirt and jeans. I spoke to her after that night, but that is the last time I hugged her while she was living and breathing. Lori's last conversation with her by phone was on Lori's birthday, August 22, when Lisa called to tell her "happy birthday". Lori said that while she was talking to Lisa that Sam pulled the cord out of the wall and broke the connection.

We began rehearsals for our new two-person play and feel we made some progress. I have read thru it several times and sat with John as he wrote and re-wrote, but when we did a read-thru, it was difficult to hold back the tears.

We are toying with some different titles for this play. Our first title, "Drifted Off to Sleep" was deemed to be "too passive" and I tend to agree. It sounds like a bedtime story and it is anything but that. Other suggestions have been, "Control, Alt, Delete" which I believe is very clever but sounds like a show about a computer geek. We know that "CONTROL" is the center of abuse, so that will be our focus as we decide on a title. Maybe, "Control, Abuse, Delete". Labels, titles, names are so important. Will keep you posted.

My Cheerleaders

Lori called last night to tell me about her experience with a young man in her neighborhood who is mentally challenged, he is known by everyone as Pancake, and is about 17 years old. According to her, "his parents just left him here in a home for mentally handicapped people and they never come to see him". Her concern about him and his feelings were sincere and touching. She downloaded some music on his MP3 player and when she took it to him, all the residents were gathered around and he announced, "you know who this is (speaking of Lori), she's a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader". Well, he is not far off, she truly is a cheerleader for the downtrodden and those that appear to be tossed aside. My other children are very compassionate as well. Lindsey and Lane will always stop to assist someone who needs their help. Lane was always bring someone home when he was a teenager, someone that had no place to live and needed a bed for a few days, weeks. Last Christmas, Lindsey was deeply concerned about a family that she feared would not have presents and went shopping for food and toys for that little family. She stepped up when her neighbor was being abused by her husband and she found the right person to help her and went with her to talk to an advocate. Lisa was sensitive to the needs of anyone that crossed her path, once I remember she was walking home from work and came across a man that was homeless. He fell and she got medical assistance for him and stayed with him until the ambulance took him away. My children may not be Cowboy cheerleaders, but they are certainly cheerleaders for those in need. I am their cheerleader.

Drifted Off to Sleep

Since I took a full time job again, I have had little time to really work much with Linda. What spare time I have had, has been spent writing a new play. We are calling it, “Drifted off to Sleep.” It is Lisa’s story with all of the heartache, disappointments and plain talk. We have been so blessed to be able to work with David Barker. He is our coach, friend, director and provides us with sage advice as we work through the story to be told. David is Theater Professor at the Herberger College of Theater at ASU and has been a fabulous resource to us in the writing and preparing of the story.

If you ever have an opportunity to see his one man play, entitled “Dodging Bullets”, DO NOT MISS THE CHANCE TO SEE IT. Linda went to see it and drug me back a week later. I didn’t want to go! I have never been so riveted to any show, as I was that one. What a story and what a performance!

With “Drifted Off to Sleep”, all parts will be played by Linda and me and we are excited to have the opportunity to tell the story. Hopefully, we can help others understand and be aware of the dangers of Domestic Violence. We want to make people aware of how to help victims of Domestic Violence get to safety..

More to come as we progress!

Linda and I were able to do a presentation at the Yuma Arizona Prison on Thursday. We always come away from those presentations feeling that we have really made a difference in individual's lives. They are always saddened by Lisa’s story and angered by the circumstances. In this session, one inmate was persistent in pursuing the question, “How can you really help the victim?”. Linda explained that, "There are men and women abusers, and for this example we are talking about Lisa, so we would be saying 'she'." With answers from the other inmates we fleshed out the reasons she doesn’t leave.
1) She doesn’t know how to get out
2) She is afraid
3) She doesn’t have the resources to get out.
4) She loves the abuser.

Then we explained how people could help her plan for getting out, by putting money aside for that purpose and giving it to a friend to hold. Make arrangements to have a place to stay for a short while. Have clothes stashed away from the house, so when she wanted to get out she had the resources.

We explained that by planning, getting a team together and having the resources the victim gains the courage to actually get out.

We could see the light come on and understand how all of the victim's resistance would dissolve with proper planning. It was fun to see them, one by one say, "Oh yeah she has her own plan and can go when the time is right.”

We hope to continue to have these experiences at the prisons.

John says: In the words of George Carlin “ Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath."

Anticipating a busy fall

As the fall of the year draws nearer, we get a taste of how busy we are going to be, with performances of "Domestic Violence, The Musical?", speaking opportunities, trainings, volunteering, events, and travel.





There are many upcoming events that are very special - what am I saying, they are all special!! One in particular is the opportunity I have to travel back to Osceola County, Florida. I have been invited to be the keynote speaker for the Help Now of Osceola Domestic Violence Conference, Oct 6. I have many fond memories of living in Osceola County. We had some truly wonderful experiences as we raised our children there. It is where Lane and Lindsey were born, where Lori and Lisa spent almost their entire lives, from elementary school thru high school. We have some forever friends there that will always be dear to our hearts. But it is also where the nightmare began that would be the end of one of our children's death.



September 16th, we will be in El Paso, Texas at the Texas Victim Services Conference - "Tortilla Soup for the Soul". Some of my very favorite people will be attending, some new friends and some from the past. We will present the play with a whole new cast - a group of actors from Phoenix - talented singers, actors, dancers and musicians. Loren and this cast have been working tirelessly to add a little extra to an already almost perfect delivery of our message. We will be back in El Paso on Oct 9 for two performances at Ft. Bliss.


Osceola County where Lisa's journey began and El Paso, where her journey ended - within a month of each other.


Then it is on to other states and other countries.


My next blog will be in anticipation of FTH and Bravery Project's upcoming "Evening of the Arts".


We are working on two more plays - one a teen dating violence play/musical, entitled, "I Have This Friend" and the other one is a 2 person play, "Drifted Off To Sleep". We feel very fortunate to have a very talented director/performer working with us on the latter, David Barker. David recently wrote and played himself and numerous other characters in "Dodging Bullets". He is a professor at ASU, a mime and a fight choreographer, in addition to being a talented director. This play should be ready by the first of 2010. All we do is in an effort to raise awareness, educate and prevent domestic violence.

Watch for future blogs to highlight "Evening of the Arts" on November 9 in Mesa, an opportunity for you to be entertained, enlightened and further the mission of Fix the Hurt and Bravery Project.

No Excuses!!

The news this week has been beyond disturbing about an 8 yr old girl, here in Phoenix, who was reported to be sexually assualted by 4 teen and pre-teen boys. All involved are refugees from Liberia, a war torn country where women are considered chattel and boys are raised to fight, rape and pillage as part of their military training. This does NOT give them license to rape and assualt this young girl.

I am very tired of the excuses, "that's just the way they were raised", "that's just his personality", "he/she's artistic", "he/she's ??? (whatever ethnicity)". There is no excuse for bad behavior. Yes, perhaps there are circumstances where life experiences are taken into consideration, but those experiences do not give license to treat others badly or break laws. There must be accountability.

Many times use of alcohol or drugs are seen as an acceptable excuse for bad behavior. "He can't hold his liquor" does not mean he can beat his wife or children. "She's very temperamental" is not an excuse for being rude to your neighbor.

I am not talking about those individuals who have mental health issues. My concern is those who feel that their bad behavior is justified by their personality, character traits or life experiences.

We all have off days from time to time - I know I do - but consistently behaving badly, reeking havoc in the lives of those we come in contact with, and being viewed as a malcontent, is not and will never be acceptable in our society. NO EXCUSES!!

Old Friends, New Friends, Red Friends, Blue Friends

The past few weeks have brought bookings, travel and reconnecting with old friends. We now have 13 performances of "Domestic Violence, The Musical?" between Sept 16 through Nov 9, in locations from Wichita Falls, TX to Iwakuni, Japan. We are auditioning a Phoenix cast this week.

Equally exciting was my recent trip to Tyler, TX and Brownsville, TX. While in Tyler, some friends from about 25 years ago traveled to Tyler to renew and catch up. It was wonderful. My friends, Gayle, Diane, my Aunt Beulah, and Sharon traveled from Texarkana, Longview and Denton so that we could spend some time together. Gayle, Diane and Sharon and I were all three mothers to two girls. Carrie, Amy, Paige, Jennifer, Sonya and Shelly played with my Lori and Lisa. They were constant companions and playmates. While we reminised about our little girls, it was bittersweet, as I shared my feelings about Lisa's death.

I participated in two Defense Initiated Victim Outreach seminars, one in Tyler and one in Brownsville, with new friends - Pam, Marilyn, Stephanie, John and Dick. The DIVO program is in motion and in my opinion it won't slow down. It is truly a win-win for homicide survivor families and the court system as a whole. There were interesting discussions and limitless possibilities.

Fix the Hurt is anxious to work with all groups that support and enlist help for victims.

Bravery Project and Fix the Hurt are working together to bring an Evening of Arts to the East Valley, at Broadway Palm Dinner Theater on November 9. You will be hearing much more about this as time draws nigh.

Right now we are in the fundraising mode. It is a difficult time for all non-profits. But there are some generous individuals out there. John is writing grants, I am making phone calls and sending emails.

I will try to be more diligent in my blogging. Home for a while - no travel plans.

DIVO and More . . . .

Sunday afternoon I flew to El Paso to participate in a seminar on Monday. My good friend, Susan Hatch, picked me up at the hotel and we went to the El Paso Crime Victims' Memorial. It is an extremely well thought out, beautifully constructed memorial to victims of crime in El Paso County. These people really care . . . my heart was touched as I saw my daughter's name listed among others who represent thousands of friends and loved ones who have suffered the unexpected loss of those they care about. It doesn't go away -- the pain, I mean. Please don't use the word "closure" with me. Life goes on, you continue to get up every morning, you laugh, you make changes in your life, you help others along the way, you grow older, you love your grandchildren, you learn news skills, you forget where you are supposed to be sometimes, you have aches and pains, you get sick, you get well. But you never "close" the door on someone you loved, just because they die. Thank you, Susan, for caring enough to make sure I got to experience this moment.

Monday was remarkable, at least for me. I was given the opportunity to address a group of defense attorneys and others who attended the Defense-Initiated Victim Outreach Seminar. It was much more than I expected in many ways. Those involved in bringing this to the criminal justice system as an option for the defense side of the law, are truly an awesome group of people, Stephanie Frogge from Austin pulled everything together; Richard Burr is a soft-spoken, articulate man who truly believes in this process; John Niland, the Director of Capital Trial Project in Texas, cares about people, their feelings and the justice process; Dr. Pam Leonard has done much to further the Restorative Justice Project in Georgia (love her accent - she's more Southern than me); and Dr. Marilyn Armour is the Exec Dir of the Institute for Restorative Justice and she understands survivors and wants to make life better for all who suffer this loss - she really cares. It was a great experience for me - I stood toe-to-toe with someone I have wanted to address for some time and I held my ground . . . it was wonderful. "Mr. Gandara, if we ever meet in a social situation again, you may shake my hand, and say, 'Hello'. but never say bad things about my dead daughter to me again."

Today I met with Larry Winward, who introduced me to Michael Hughes, CEO of A New Leaf. What a great guy - very personable, well-informed about the non-profit world. He took a lot of time to advise on what steps to take and how to take Fix the Hurt to the next level of success as we strive to obtain funding, grow the organization and continue to educate, bring awareness and enlightenment to communities about domestic violence/abuse. Now to put that knowledge into action.

I also talked with some old friends (well, not really old) who still struggle with Lisa's death. They were friends and family. They agonize over what could have been done to save Lisa. I'm not sure in Lisa's case that there could have been a positive outcome. But it's good to look back and hopefully that helps us to look forward toward better lives for those that need our help.

Thanks for Opportunities

Today it was my pleasure to address the Mesa East Rotary Club. Just the fact that they were willing to have someone speak about domestic abuse was to their credit. This group was not only engaged, but anxious to assist in a suitable way. I hope we will work with them again. So many civic organizations are truly interested in improving the lives of people in our community - Rotary is a great example.

On Wednesday, I will speak to a group of about 60 advocates at the Family Resource Center in Phoenix. I love advocates - this is a difficult job - but much appreciated by victims. I will never forget the assistance I received from a wonderful advocate who became my friend.

Then, next Monday I go to El Paso to address a group of defense attorneys at a seminar sponsored by the University of Texas - Defense Initiated Victim Outreach (DIVO). I am pleased to not only speak, but to listen to highlighted speakers who will help defense attorneys learn ways to improve their relationship with the families of victims of homicide. This is truly a new concept. I will return with a report of what I learned. My friend, Bill Hicks, the prosecutor in Lisa's trial (and I say Lisa's trial because in her case she was the one the defense had on trial ) send me an email and he said,

"I think that the seminar leaders might have bitten off more than they can chew by asking you to speak to them. I encourage you to not hold back anything. Let them know that the actions of the defense attorneys throughout our trial were hurtful; and how they persisted in dragging Lisa’s past into the trial; and how they tried to make the murder case about Lisa. . . . . ."

I will do my best, Bill.

I feel very fortunate to take Lisa's story to so many who can make a difference - business men/women, advocates, defense attorneys - all in a matter of 7 days.

Prevention and Education

We continue to see the effects of the stress in our society on Domestic Violence.
In the past11 days here in Maricopa County, there have been 9 deaths due to domestic violence. Of the 9 cases two were children. How sad it is that a spouse will be abused by a partner, even sadder when a spouse dies from that abuse, but when it is an innocent child, it breaks your heart and reflects how messed up people can get in a relationship.


Police: Argument sparked fatal stabbing in Glendale


Domestic-violence reports up amid recession
Lynh Bui - May. 19, 2009 04:46 PM The Arizona Republic

Just an example of the dire need for prevention of Domestic Violence! These 9 people never got the chance to take advantage of a shelter that most funding groups say is the only thing they will fund. How blessed would have been the life of those 9, if they had had a good prevention program working in their neighborhood. Someone to help them put a safety plan into action, someone to support them in their escape, someone to help them recognize the danger, and someone to bolster their courage to get to safety. All of this takes training, awareness, commitment and that plan does not happen without someone willing to commit the funds to educate the community.


Youngtown murder suspect found hanged in roadway
by Phoebe Volk - Jun. 5, 2009 02:49 PM

The Arizona Republic

But alas, all of the funds, which have been limited or cut by our state government, went to food clothing, beds and roofs that will never help these people. It makes one ask, could “funeral costs” possibly be considered services by the funding agency?



Laurie Roberts :Enduring abuse can be a fatal mistake
On April 28, a Glendale judge dismissed misdemeanor charges against Michael Brian Miller, who had been accused of hitting his wife. Thirty two days later, she was dead.

We at Fix the Hurt, will not retreat in our effort to get funding institutions to recognize that shelters are not the front line prevention. Shelters are badly needed and always will be, but they are after the fact. The abuse has already occurred!


John Says: Don’t corner something that you know is meaner than you!

On an encouraging note:

The Commanding Officer of Sheppard Air Force Base in Wichita Falls, Texas has the foresight to see the need for domestic violence education for his airmen. We received confirmation today that Sheppard AFB will sponsor "Domestic Violence, The Musical?" on October 16, 2009. I have been corresponding with Tricia Kennedy for several weeks now. She has been committed to bringing this education to the airmen, their families.


The Marine Air Station in Iwakuni Japan is working to bring DVTM to their soldiers and families in October.

AzCADV Sponsors DVTM

Fix the Hurt wants to give a big "shout out" to the Az Coalition Against Domestic Violence for sponsoring another production of "Domestic Violence, The Musical?" on May 11, 2009. The house may not have been packed with bodies, but it was packed with enthusiasm and emotion. The reaction from those in attendance was incredible. One young name became very angry with the actions of the abuser and commented to his family that, "it wasn't about his losing control, but about using control." What an astute observation!

My little 3 1/2 year old granddaughter attended because I couldn't stay home and babysit her and her parents wanted to be there, she sat very quietly in my lap next to her mommy and hardly moved. Even she was rivetted. The next day we were watching some of the video clips which included the abuser and she said to me, "I don't like him, he was mean to your friend." (referring to the victim).

You would think if a 17 year old and a 3 1/2 year old could get it, then a society of adults could understand the dynamics of domestic abuse.

I was touched by the reaction of one woman who came with her friend on a "spur of the moment" invitation. Seeing DVTM opened her eyes and some dialogue that was imperative to her courage to get out before it was too late. She commented that every time she would think about the things he had done to her, she would hear, C-O-N-T-R-O-L. Hooray for her.

On http://www.fixthehurtpag.org/, you can hear one of the songs from the play - "Abuser's Tango." There is also a link to pre-order the CD that will be available soon and will include 10 songs from DVTM.

On Wednesday night, I received a page to go to a domestic violence scene. When I arrived at 11:30 pm, I found a young woman, whose face was cut, bloody and swollen. I sat with her while she completed her statement for the police. She was trembling, disoriented and had difficulty focusing on her task. Her boyfriend had been arrested and taken to jail and she was already stressing over what would happen when he got out. I took her to the hospital emergency room in my car. (I got pulled over twice in the same 2 hrs period for traffic violations - but that is a different blog).

After spending several hours with her, I pray that she will not go back. I tried to do and say all the right things, but you never know what is going on in the mind of a victim. If she goes back this time, there may not be another opportunity to get out.

This is why it is so important to have information, listen to the victim, help them understand they are not alone. I know it is frustrating when victims make the wrong choice, but that doesn't mean we quit trying. Perhaps a life will be saved because of something you said or did right.

Fix the Hurt Performing Arts Group: Happy Mother's Day!!

Fix the Hurt Performing Arts Group: Happy Mother's Day!!

Happy Mother's Day!!

John writes:

Happy Mothers Day! A day that is set aside to recognize the absolute dependency of the world on mothers! And how feeble the attempt no matter how much we do. We are all brought to remember the gift of a mother to each of us and, while most are not perfect, some achieve a greater level than others. Still, nothing should diminish the fact that every mother on earth had to walk through that valley of the shadow of death to bring us into this world. I, for one, am grateful for the sacrifice that trip demanded and yet, most mothers shrug it off as an everyday occurrence. But for me I still say “Thanks, Mom, I know you can hear me!”

My thoughts are also turned to those mothers that, even on this day, are fighting to survive a violent relationship, those who are beaten regularly and those who have not survived the brutal attacks. How can society turn a loving, smiling hypocritical face to the world and say happy Mothers Day, and then go right back to doing nothing about the 25% of mothers in our society who are so severely abused?

Recently Linda has been trying to promote “Domestic Violence the Musical?” here in Phoenix. It will play Monday night at the Herberger Theater, for those who do not know. But I digress; Linda made arrangements with a local TV station to be on live to talk about the play and the impact on women and kids lives. She received a call from the station that they would not be able to keep this commitment, because it was Mothers Day Week End! You want to talk about something that makes you say, “HMMMMMM!” What better gift can be given all womanhood than a sincere effort to keep them from being abused! Oh, I know not all are beaten, but 25% of them is a lot more than a token number.

To me, this attitude just points out that most people either don’t get it or don’t believe it.
What can we do more to change this attitude? I suppose just what Fix The Hurt is doing, just keep butting the head against that wall!

So I close by saying “HAPPY MOTHERS DAY” To 75% of the mothers out there. To the other 25% I can only say that you are in our every thought, prayer, and effort!


John Says: Quoting George Carlin------- “Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.”

A Symbol for Domestic Violence

Like DV, the button has existed for centuries and was not always a useful object, often being for ornamental use and decried by many as an evil symbol of vanity by clergy and others. Even today considered so by the Amish people!

Queen Victoria had dark glass buttons made which were mourning buttons following the death of Prince Albert.

The button has been used as a badge to signify many things over the years. It has been used to signify growth as in a “knob” of a plant when the plant starts to grow. It is protection placed on the tip of a fencing foil to make the sport safe. It is also a warning device signifying danger as in the tip of a rattle snake’s tail or the “rattles”

It signifies hidden sensitivities which may cause explosive reactions to acts. For Example “She knows how to push his button!”

Also known as the sensitive area on the tip of the chin where a knock-out blow is placed. Also signifies “exactly on target.”

I would suggest that since the purple ribbon is so significant to women in calling to the mind the devastating effects of Domestic Violence that men should adopt the Purple Button as a symbol of their support in prevention of domestic violence.

There are ample reminders in this symbol reminding all of the centuries the button was around and served as a symbol of vanity as has been the history of domestic violence. It has been considered the right of the male population for centuries to the detriment of wives and daughters for centuries.

The button has already been used as a symbol of mourning by royalty and could well serve to remind us all of the lives lost and ruined by DV.

It could well serve as a reminder that there needs to be safety devices in all relationships to prevent injury during interaction with one another, and serve as a symbol of danger for not proceeding carefully into relationships lest the snake bite.

It should serve as a reminder to not push buttons and for sensitive feelings to be held back by buttoning the restraint on such sensitive feelings.

It can symbolize the growth of each party in the relationship and should serve as a reminder that a couple working together with help can be right on target for a happy safe loving relationship and deliver a knock-out blow to Domestic Violence.

John Says: "Dear God, I have a problem. Its me!"

A week of great opportunities

This week has been filled with meetings, performances, phone calls, new friends and grant proposals. We attended two great performances, one at Mesa HS - Seussical The Musical, where we briefly spoke with the Director, Sandy Stones. The other was so moving that I not only saw it last Friday evening, but took my husband and two friends this Friday evening - "Dodging Bullets", a one-man show by an outstanding performer, David Barker. I'm certain this show will spread far and wide.

Tuesday night I went to a book-signing by of Bones In the Desert by Jana Bonnersbach. This book is the true story of the murder of Loretta Bowerstock by her husband.

Wednesday night was spent at ASU campus for Take Back The Night, an annual event to bring awareness of sexual assualt and dating violence.

Soooooo, basically I spent my week the same way I spend every week, talking to people about domestic violence, trying to educate others and listening to personal stories.

My friend, Vickie Florschuetz, Bravery Project founder and talented artist, received recognition for the great work she does helping survivors and bring attention to the pandemic of domestic abuse.
Now it's the last day of April and this past week has been busy. I have had the opportunity to meet some truly incredible people. On Monday, I was priviledged to speak to Dr. Durfee's class in the Women's Studies Program at ASU. My intent was to spend about 5 minutes talking about the May 11th performance of "Domestic Violence, The Musical?" sponsored by AzCADV. The class was wonderful and very engaged, and I spent about 20 minutes with them.

I spoke to two groups of high school students at different ends of the Valley, that were attending a White Tiger Arizona Girls' Conference, brought to the Valley by Paul Henry from Canada. Paul teaches self-defense to teens who find themselves in precarious situations. He gives valuable advice to help them protect themselves from strangers and people that they may be familiar with. I told Lisa's story. The audiences were awesome and Paul brought together a great group of presenters from across the state. Good job, Paul.

Probably the most touching time I encountered this week was speaking to the prosecutors, advocates and staff for the City Of Phoenix at their annual luncheon to commemorate Crime Victim's Rights' Week. Just look at this lovely necklace which was presented to me. It was handmade by Donna Eyring, with love -

I could tell because everything was perfect, from Lisa's picture in a heart, the Fix the Hurt logo, the words LOVE, a ribbon with purple stone and a music note. Reconnecting with Rickie Allen, a great lady, and meeting those people in her office was delightful and the food was great!!

I am given so many opportunities to meet great people who believe as I do that everyone deserves to be treated with love and respect. No one deserves to be hurt, emotionally or verbally.

Last of all - get ready for "Domestic Violence, The Musical?" on May 11 at the Herberger Theater.

Abusers come in every color, size, occupation . . .

I thought my heart would break as I listened while my friend told me of the pain she has endured over the past several years, as she has been victimized by her husband, as he ridiculed her, demeaned her, insulted her, called her fat, undesirable and totally revolting.

This woman is a stay-at-home mother of three beautiful children, she supports them and has supported her husband as his career has continued to rise. She has made a beautiful home for their family. She is such a talented decorator and can truly make a wonderland out of the back yard. I have seen her, walk, join fitness clubs, exercise and work to make herself into "his" desired weight for her.

BTW, she is beautiful, not fat and certainly undeserving of his insults.

What breaks my heart is that even after he has moved out, left her in financial ruin, she still worries about how she looks and how much she weighs and how he sees her. Nothing will ever be good enough for this man as far as she is concerned, because it's not about her. It's about him, everything is about him -- his wants, his needs, his life.

The interesting thing about this whole situation is that this man was very helpful to our family when Lisa died. He was concerned about the safety of our family. He assisted us in getting Lisa's dog away from her abuser after Lisa died. He was even present when Lisa's abuser was arrested.

But . . . . I'm sure it has never occurred to him that he is just as emotionally and verbally abusive to his lovely wife as Lisa's abuser was to her.

Wake up. Whether you are a loser, an educator, a car salesman, or in law enforcement, you can be an abuser. Just because you see yourself as superior, does not mean you are and, does not give you the right to use your power and control over you family.

I love you CJ, as do many other, and I will be here for you. Love Linda

The Vision

Let me describe to you a scenario that is an everyday occurrence in our life. I need you to use your power to visualize the following scenes.

Picture a young woman standing with three small children hanging on to her dress and peering around her. She sees the three following settings:

Setting 1 - An angry man scowling at her with fists doubled up ready to strike her. Behind him is a dormitory type room with food and clothing. A woman’s shelter, if you will. To get there she has to take a brutal beating, but if she makes it, she has assurance she and her three children may be able to live in the cramped quarters, but safely. That assumes there is room for them. If not, she may have to return home and take another beating, or go on the streets to join the homeless ranks with her three children.
Setting 2 - An angry man with a scowling face, with fists doubled up standing by a casket accompanied by the three children, looking at their mother in the casket.
Setting 3 - A community of people, all are greeting her and the angry man. Her children are with them and they are all working together with the people from the community. The people are holding out Domestic Violence Prevention programs and welcoming them to join them, and work out the problems surrounding the little family, there are employers, clergy, law enforcement, school administrators and other members of the community.

Off to the side stands a well-dressed man with a handful of dollars and he is trying to decide if he should give the money to the shelter or the community prevention group. In the prevention program scenario, all of the families are being cared for, not just the half as in the dormitory setting and no beating is required.

Given a choice which do you think the woman would choose?

Which does the rich man choose? Every single time he chooses the shelter, leaving the woman and children to weep and suffer.

Daily large corporations are opting for Setting One and Two, and totally denying funds to option three. Just last Friday, Boeing made that exact choice. The Friday before that, Salt River Project made the same decision.

Domestic Violence prevention is just not on the list of things to donate money to. It is too hard to quantify the results. Corporations must fear there is not enough instant gratification and recognition in donating to prevention.

John says: Nothing is real to you until you experience it; until then it is just hearsay.

No Money for Prevention

After the first three or four lines you will say, "Oh no! John is on his high horse, again!" As I sit and ponder the attitudes around us I marvel that we, as a nation are not further in the tank that we are today. Now, let me preface my remarks by saying that I realize that businesses and individuals only have a finite amount of discretionary time and money. I may wish it were not so, but, that is life.

Where am I going with this? Let me tell you, it is a Fix the Hurt issue. It deals with a long time sore subject and extremely constipated thinking. If I were a follower of the tightly bound, myopic thinking I would propose to the chief of police in every jurisdiction that we pull all of the patrol officers off the street and just wait until they get a call that a crime has been committed! Then respond. Why in the world cruise around trying to prevent crime? You cannot count the number of crimes that you prevented.

I would also propose that we stop all efforts to find a preventative cure for breast cancer and the myriad of other diseases that we spend money doing research on. Just wait until they contract the disease and try and treat them. That way you can count the number that you could not save. This way you cannot quantify the numbers that do not contract the disease from your efforts.

My big fear is that the closed minded, short sighted people will someday have the brilliant idea to overhaul the school system and decide that we do not need to do anything to prevent ignorance.

Okay, okay, I am talking about large corporations that have made the decision that they are only going to fund the service portion of the domestic violence efforts. What does that mean? It means they do not care a whit about whether a victim gets beaten or not. If they go to the shelter these mind bound folks will donate to that effort, but only about enough to take care of half of the victims. The rest will be turned away because of the lack of funds to care for as many as there are. When the victim is sorrowfully turned away by the angels at the shelter, they will either return to the home where they are abused and take the beating for leaving, or they will become homeless and that is another group of angels duty to care for.

Fix the Hurt is one of the few truly Domestic Violence Prevention groups around, because there are no funds to support that effort. Recently, we requested funds from Salt River Project and were quite rudely told that they only support service related efforts. This was not a real surprise, even though disappointing, that yet another community leader was had cranial constipation. We asked if they would consider allowing one of their people to serve on the Fix the Hurt Board of Directors. The hope was that we would get some expertise on the board which would be useful and, at the same time ,they would see the impact of the prevention programs. We were told just as rudely that they only suggested their people serve on the Boards of organizations they supported financially. So we decided they had classified us pond scum and tried yet another effort. We asked if they would make a small donation to the upcoming fund raiser of the Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Again the answer was given just as rudely, “No they are an advocacy group and we do not donate to advocacy groups”. Woah!! You mean it as against corporate policy at Salt River Project to be an advocate for victims of Domestic Violence?

At this point the decision was made that this group was not for much of anything according to their spokes woman.

John says: "If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody."

Chris Brown . . . . . . Rihanna

Today I received an email from D in VA who expressed concern about her daughter. Her fear is that her daughter might be married to an abuser. She wrote to me because I had commented on a blog regarding the Chris Brown/Rihanna incident. She asked for information on signs and indicators of an abusive man.

I gave her some advice about what to do as a mother - listen, listen and believe. I wrote her a lengthy email, talking about myths and realities, signs and red flags and some advice that I learned from sad experience. Don't demean your daughter's husband, as she will become defensive and stop talking to you, her mother. Keep those lines open and never make her choose between you and him. I sincerely hope that her daughter is in a safe place.

As awful as this high profile situation is, perhaps the attention Chris Brown and Rihanna (and I don't even like to connect them with "and") will help start dialogues between victims and their friends and families. Talking about domestic abuse is the only way it can be brought into the daylight and out of the dark corners where it has been hidden for so many, many years.

There has been some talk about changing Domestic Violence Awareness month from October to May. My initial reaction was, "yes, maybe it should not have to compete with other worthwhile causes like Breast Cancer Awareness", but as I look at the beginning of each year, we have January which is Stalking Awareness, Teen Dating Violence Awareness(Feb), Sexual Assault Awareness(Apr), Crime Victim's Rights Month(Apr) and if we then put May as Domestic Violence Awareness Month, that makes all of the emphasis on violence against women in the first half of the year - obviously, my feeling is that we should be aware of victims of these crimes every month. The fact that my Lisa's birthday is in October, is another reason for me to want October to be DV Awareness Month. But I am only one mommy.

And on another thought, an agency might get a sponsor for Sexual Assault event, i.e., Take Back the Night in Apr, but try getting that same sponsor to fund a DV event the very next month - they would be much more likely to sponsor another similar-cause event 6 months later. In a perfect world those of us in the business of trying to help and assist victims and prevent abuse would not have to focus on raising $$, but this is not a perfect world and it takes the support of those in the community to keep our message in the forefront. Just something to ponder.

John says, "Good judgment comes from bad experiences, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment."

Domestic Violence The Musical

Things are a little slow as far as plays are concerned. They will start to pick up next month. We will be presenting selected short scenes from "Domestic Violence the Musical?" to potential donors for a fundraiser. This well be for the benefit of the Sojourner Center. The event will take place at a sponsor’s home in Paradise Valley.
www.sojournercenter.org



Efforts continue, with our attempt to find sponsors that will provide funds to take the cast of DVTM to locations outside the El Paso and Phoenix metropolitan areas. We have made appeals to many large corporations with little success, yet. We are committed to getting the word out and will not tire in our efforts.




We are working with Vickie Florschuetz , of the Bravery Project to put together a fundraiser in November that, if successful, will provide some funds for this and other important items. If you have not visited Vickie's web site, it is well-worth your time to do so. This talented artist has taken a unique approach in the effort to circumvent domestic abuse. Thanks goes out to our friend, Jim Winspear, for his generous donation in the form of a check to Fix The Hurt. We appreciate all of you out there that have been so supportive of our efforts to prevent this pandemic. http://www.braveryproject.org/



John says: As we deal with many of those we are required to deal with in life just remember “Always drink upstream of the herd”. Note: many of the things John says are from sayings friends send him from time to time. Thanks for remembering, “John likes to say things”